Silence

From Silence, Not At All

experimental story : Preface

Preface

So I grief, letting my eyes fill to the capacity that it can hold. "Wait for it" my mind whispered. So I obediently wait for the gasps to come; this is significant for it marks the release and birth of the unseen turmoil that battles to break out. I fumble around this limited space I have thinking, how do I let this flow through any easier or faster in fact. Would the lights matter, should I be standing now? Unknowingly my hand reaches for my heart, did it matter that it didn't do much to stop the splitting pain? Or maybe this act reassures me that by doing so I won't snap, or break into two; holding my heart and torso in place, and what ever that connects this useless, fragile shell of a body.

Now I can't tell if it was real. For I lie to myself too many times that you don't exist. I could sketch this image but what if it was all a lie again? It was picture perfect; fading lights of these colours, yellow, orange and black to reenact your swift departure. The outlines, wrong, too vivid, too focus. It screams your name.

echo

As easy as breathing...

The last time we slept together
There was something that was not there
You never wanted to alarm me
But I'm the one that's drowning now

I could sleep forever these days
'Cause in my dreams I see you again
But this time fleshed out fuller faced

It was so like you to visit me
To let me know you were OK
It was so like you to visit me
Always worried about someone else

At your funeral, I was so upset
So, so upset
In your life you were larger than this
Statuesque

I see signs now all the time
That you're not dead, you're sleeping
I believe in anything that brings you back home to me

- Signs -

aurora

Covet

The scene plays itself out, so simple yet intense. Watch his eyes, watching her. Constant replays on that one emotion. For the thrill or the ride or price. He only sees her. Her every move hurts him. She glances at him, but he tilts her head back, away. Looks of an angel, but her touch could kill. It is not the chess game that he can't escape. It is the knowing, that he will never own her in this life. And all that he can do is watch. So walk away.

Dusk

A piano riff starts the scene... He lies there under the sheets, contented, satisfied, and peaceful. It is a rare state for anyone to be in. Knowing that just this moment in life was enough. But a pull and a shudder was all it took, to take him away. She waits, pacing around that small space, not knowing that was all it took to loose him. The scenes would have changed, wouldn't it? If she had changed a little faster, moved a little quicker. But this isn't it.

That one moment, where his spirit, and her conscious connected. That instant. That light. That whisper of her name. That pathway. That only interconnecting point. That twilight zone. Gone.
It's ain't over till it's over.

Separated my heart from my head, to feel what's inside.
I don't like what I see, so I say goodnight.
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming colours.
I've never been so deep inside a shadow.
Gotta figure it out. I need a story to tell. Where's the feeling I long for. Before I loose you love.
Listen to my shaky heart.
I want to make it right.
It won't be alright.

What the eyes can't see... won't hurt.

[Epic Scene III: Characters in a Scene]

Just words.

Just like how we would destroy ourselves inside out. Leave me. Get out. Go. Run in the opposite direction, away from the route that I would follow. Flame your foot prints as you depart. I am the ghost of you. Seeking you out, in every shadow, in every picture, in every site, in every regret. Please. Go before I kill you. What will they be saying? We can't exist now. Do you know that? Or am I the only one who doesn’t know it? We won't be holding hands, we won't catch a movie, we won't be taking a stroll in the park, we won't do all that now. We won't. And you won't be there. As I won't be here. Because it is the end when that happens. In this reality, it will always be. It is the end when we walk out into the light together. There is no fairy tales. There are no happy endings here. The darkness and the unknown is the only future for our being. Do you fathom? Just like how you never existed or be seen in this pane, be gone just as you were. I am begging you. Clawing the walls and floors of the unseen. It will always be incomplete. And I will always be clamping my hands to my mouth to shut myself from weeping out loud. So that you won't hear. And I won't make a sound.

under the cut

[Epic Scene II : A little more this time]

She's not here today. I found myself walking under the shadow of trees, fixated at the thought that you might appear again, with that familiar slouch and shield eyes. There's nothing for me to work on today, so sleep I shall.

But I was wrong, was I? She was here, just away in a form of way. And there I go, like the cat. Mesmerize by the shimmering purple glow. Same colour again? What significance does it have to you? Would it be incense to be clothed in that body near you? Amazing isn't it? How all this is writing itself out. It's not you this time, I'm sure. But still, why here and now? Damn those obligations which I can't leave behind to answer all these questions.

This thrill and anticipation, have I taken this too far that I may actually start to hurt from watching. Since when did watching inflicted invisible paper cuts? So fast, quick and clean, that the blood comes faster then the pain.

Now let the chased start chasing.

Alright?

Under The Skin

[Epic Scene: As the mind writes itself out]

I keep seeing this splitting image of you in her. As she walks into the cabin, the air freezes slightly to make an entrance, to let me know it is her. A part of you, in her. Or the fact that your blood runs through her. Those minute details causes a stir to my instincts, but then again there is no point is there? It will always be my imagination. There are two different distances from my door, but which is it, is real? You take her features very well, the contours of her eyes, and the thickness of her lips. Do you talk to her? Or know where she is heading today? Funny, I have this sudden urge to head in her direction or destination. Now I sound like a sick pervert do I? Maybe one day I can be completely honest about my writings and what a sick twisted mind I have. Would you even call me romantic?

Now I can't see her. But just know that she is sitting across with eyes closed; is she dreaming or thinking about what is next to come? Why does she feel purple today? Cold perhaps? I know the fall of her hair and colour have changed, but why? To cut and live; or anew?

This is the moment where I depart. Goodbye sweet image of you. But she opens her eyes as I leave, and I slow down to watch her pass. Sick satisfaction I get in just watching and knowing. Maybe they don't call it fate in this part of our world, or country for a matter of fact. Then tell me, what should I call it?

As I fall behind, please don't tell me she is seeing you? Are you the visit or a job?

This is as far as I can go, or my eyes can see.

This is not right.

Knowing creates a comfort.

Not knowing brings about a fascination.

But we all know, that curiosity have always killed the cat.

passing

Can I give you back a song, in return for all of yours that you have given? Will you read what I have to say, and understand the words beneath the song. Everything. Is still undecided. So turn. Turn my grief into grace. Take everything away. As I face my demons again. I have nothing. But a run down half torn screen, still connecting my world, somehow. I don't know when it will die. Have I destroyed myself too far this time round? How do I come back now. God, save my soul. Because this is the final dance to my story. I can't remain a constant. I can't stay here. Help me take flight. I will die. I am dying.


What is the point? Feeling horrible and knowing that we are not going die from those feelings, that is the point. Sew the flesh, repair the damage, ease the pain. When life breaks down, when we break down, there is no signs, no hard and fast rules, we just have to feel our way through.

Wake

What if I said, that every time when I wake I have to forgive myself for it?

Out

[Epic Story - Out]

If you destroy me now, I won't forgive you. I don't know what other other words are left in the dictionary of my head or humanity or poetry to explain the depth of tiredness my soul is shackled with. I can't hold up anymore this time, I need to lean and fall, not down and out and off. And if I have to keep my hands on the knife to my heart again, I don't know how far in - it would go this time. Because right now I can't breathe, I can't think. Your words can't seep, what you are doesn't seem. So back off. Let me take my breath again. She shot a question where the mind can't help but put it on replay; that the warp up thing is knowing how the answer will write itself out.

script

Epic Story - Hush

Wake up she said, don't go there, you can't and you shouldn't. I felt her grasp, her breath against my skin. Was it me that shook or was it her. You can't slip this way. So stay. How many twisted ends and walls have we ran to be back here again. Isn't it time yet? No? When will it be enough for you. Don't strum these chords or sing these words if you are coming back here again. It is not fair. It is not right. So twisted and morbid we are, that it is all so very cruelly seductive at the same time. She clung onto me helplessly, pulling me in, shutting the lights, slipping off my skin and clothes... rendered me helpless to her touch. Hold me now, or break me forever. Hush... You are... my unfinished business.

- expiscate -

[Short Epic Story : expiscate]

With disbelief I walked in and out of each glass house. What was I searching for exactly? Something that was listened to? Something that graced our ears? I can't tell. How do they come to like the same taste and flavour of things in life. It is amazing that the only medium between time and space is a simple note. She sang all that I've sang. I can't help but choke at her words. I can't stop. I doubt I would fancy things as much as it is now. Because anything within reach isn't forbidden. What are we all searching in between these gaps and holes, it all just seems like clues intentionally left behind in time. Waiting, just waiting to be found. Have you found it yet? Listen.

smeared no more

What if I said that breaking up is the sweetest thing. It's a tear, a cut, a forced separation between two bodies, two souls that came together. Oh did they know that the coming was as hard? I think they didn't. Why is it sweet when simple things that remains kills. As tender as a scent, as soft as a breath is enough to destroy. And I know that when it ends, the writing comes as easy. I was in that place before where every song I wrote was for you. But I won't walk there now cause I've shut that door before. When it ends the memory begins. I heard that before. I lived that before. Have you? I know I won't be okay without you to keep me sane. Because I haven't been in a long while. Your the drug that I take now, and I suffer the consequence without you in my system. I'm not like those girls, those pretty little things, I'm none of that. But thank you, for seeing what you see. Or what you saw. Do you still see? How do one manage one, as one like that. I'll sing again.

spun

I made the obvious with you. Everything that I wanted. Is here. With me. For me. Near me.
Yes... hate me for making you hate me. I don't know what the fortune would bring. But haven't I been trying to live for the future for far too long, that I have missed out the present. And that's what you are. Bringing out the best and worse of me. I looked back on certain pictures. And there you were in every photograph of theirs. All pieced into one. Imperfect yes. But so very beautiful. Still. You are.
Recently, I have been tired and exhausted at the speed of living. But all that means I am living at the fullest. Simplicity. We are. There's no the one. You become the one. You make the one, the one.

Just like that.

It's September already.

Just the way i'm feeling. Shuffled.

anathema

Everything seems much easier now with this walk and pace. Unlike those whom tarnish and use, with the kind of lines drawn and scripted. Those figures in character, in words, in songs, in memory, and in all to come, is despised. How ever far, how ever great, now or later, will fall through. Their glory shall be brief and never knowing all that was lost. I look upon that name, not in pride. Even if it were to rise, I shutter at those phony. Chase all that is nothing but the wind. And when the wind dies down, so will they die.

Wild horses couldn't drag me away.
The Rolling Stones - Wild Horses

I didn't realize how unreasonably angry we could be. Not in a sane logical mind. Despite the many restraints we instill upon ourselves. How we bind our hands, heart and mind silently away from the watching eyes of the world and from evil itself. And all humanity can do is let it burn till nothing but remains, remains. Like I said, it is all nothing. But the wind. And all this too, shall pass.

____________________________________________________

On a side note... BayBeats'08 anyone?
Put on some shoes, throw your hair back, kick some sand around, and bring on the live.
Some sticks and stones would be good too.
I'll see you there.

fixate

Wake to sleep.

That's what I read.

Songs are the only familiar medium. To draw back a memory, to bring back words, to relive moments. To remember. I have this subconscious habit to tag certain songs to certain significants. So when ever the play list hits a particular song- flash.

What gets you through exactly. Which weighs. How much do you let in or let go.

I remember about the same time this year, I saw the sun set, along with the vacant blocks in time, and there came that experiment, by the bay. I felt the heat, the pulse. We lived on those jumps, those highs. Believing that it was possible, that all was suppose to be a part of a part.

May I always be a rebel during the same time this year next year.

Only when I hold the wheels of life in my hands do I feel alive.

coeval

There is no plan. There is no sign.
Just knowing that sleeping means waking.

tumble and fall

You know how shit happens? And you don’t understand why it does? But it did. And you are stunned. But you move on? Some how?

Yea… that’s the cycle. And it's on repeat.

So they say “Many things happen for a reason”. But they forgot or intentionally forget the remaining most crucial part of the saying “But you will only see the reason after you survive what happened and after a few months/years/centuries/decades have passed. HAHA.” Ok you get the drift.

I wouldn't have known or believed if anyone had told me that I would be here today in this time and situation in life. Now I understand why certain things fell apart and away. And I am glad it did. Because I get to save and care for someone I love. I get to be at a place at a position at a turning point in life. In my own and in someone else's life.

I took a step back, and took a free fall to see clearly what remains. And there is so much evidence in the nothingness. It was all just a chase for the wind.

thwart

I hold in my hands the last ounce of candor, the intention to liberate, mar…
I turn my gaze to meet the blaze of outlines and sketches in the being, trying, remembering not remembering how faces were plastered on before. It was all a happenstance of the mind. Hazy flashes of yellow and orange, warm colours of familiarity. Ringing laughter’s of ghosts in recollections.The pursuit for a believable spot in reality and humanity, misplaced. With preference now not to be implicit; since similarity is in the consequence. Are we not humans governed by sentiment and stance?

God... you know... my heart.

revelation

I won't be sorry with regards to what I write, wouldn't I be a hypocrite if I did?
I am thankful to the people that understands.
It is time to move on.

remix

Of the past: Why?

Your inner eye has clouded over so much that it's impossible for you to see.
Does any emotion still reside within the depths of your heart?

Having the entire world at your fingertips is that what you consider happiness?

Why? Why do you look up into the lonely heavens

Why? Can't u laugh a little?
I understand this character of you, this disposition that is incapabale of putting anything into words.
What was it that came to be in your sequestered past?

These eyes of yours they refuse to meet the world.

All alone with only the lonely night to cradle you

Is this the warmth that you have come to know?
Why? Why are you so concerned with the way you look?

Why cant you not open your heart a little?
You've been taxed by this heavy burden for so long.

It's time that you learn to accept yourself, have more faith in yourself.
It is those who are free that are stumbling.

It is those who are free that are insecure.
Why? Why do you look up at the lonely sky?

Why can you not laugh even slightly?

I can appreciate this reticent character of yours

You only have to try to believe.

inside my mind

I have absolutely forgotten about my poems I have published on poetry.com, till I received a mail from that site. Looking back... reading back...brings back memories of adolescences. I seem to dig the pessimistic side of things, look beyond sadness for even more sadness… Shakespeare was gay, I’m just grey. As years go by you realize that the definition of things you have given has been constantly changing. What I perceive and wrote about love, life, people and self-invented theories have all become a past. And presently, I have not been writing much. Presently, I am a mess. I don’t have a solid plan to the next step in life, I am petrified, that I do not have any form of precautionary measures if something like this were to come up (again or not). We all know the classic of; “In case of fire, break glass”, but how about “In case of unemployment, break self?” I need something to happen. But the funny thing is I don't know exactly what. I can't shake off this haunting feeling I get. On a side note, I miss Jo. I don't say it but I do. Knowing at night there will be another soul awake, blasting away monsters, raiding the fridge, etc… I guess it is the knowing that makes me feel secure… safe… less alone? He is an alter ego of me (that I silently want to be), he is my pride… knowing that if I don’t make it anywhere in life in this household, he has done it all.
I don’t like me now.

dream within

Free the dream within

The stars are crying a tear

A sigh escapes from heaven

And the world's end

Breathe the dream within

The mystifying

We tremble and spin

Suspended within

Look beyond where hearts can see

Dream in peace

Trust, love, believe

Free the dream within

The voices calling, a song

A prayer from deep inside you

To guide you

Be the dream within

The light is shining

A flame on the wind

Salvation begins

pretenders

The scary thing is the fact that I feel just as sure and certain as I was last year. Once again I am making the same decision I made which sadly I didn't manage to follow through... which I should had... so that I wouldn't need to be here once again. I am pretty sure what I have decided wouldn't affect or change anything. I could just easily be replaced or just be left - voided. It didn't matter to anyone in the first place or for the matter of fact - the previous time.

Back then I didn't realize that I was already at my highest peak and happiest moment doing my own thing. I was already satisfied with the little I had, with the little technical skills I had... Just me and my vulnerable-cheap-low-quality head set and mike... pen and paper... guitar. I was happy being a nobody. I was happy composing songs as a nobody. I was happy performing as an individual. I had my glory. I had everything. I had all that I need.

But I went chasing after something that I thought I belonged.
I thought I was part of it.
I thought the people were real.
But the truth is...
Maybe I belonged as an individual.
Maybe it has just always been on my part to think that I am a part.
Maybe the people were all just hypocrites.

Have I forgotten why I started out in the first place...

I must remember what I said to myself back in 2003.

Joyner,

Please remember...

the perishers

The Perishers - I hope you'll be missing me

You helped them to kill me

That's all that I'm willing to say

You no longer thrill me

All you do now is stand in my way

All they say makes me feel just as safe

I've lost everything that i own

All they say makes me feel awefully blue and alone

I wrote us a song, you weren't singing along

But I hope you'll be missing me too

I held onto too long, I did everything wrong

But I hope you'll be missing me like I will miss you

I wouldn't say I've moved on

I wouldn't say I'm close to ok

Or that you no longer feel me

Or no longer stand in my way

I'm not too proud to admit to you now

That I'm still nothing more than a wreck

I do intend not to pretend til the end

_______________________________________________________

I love the piano riff, it has been replaying itself in my head...

Took me quite awhile to find the lyrics... didn't realize it was not released in any of their albums!

ITunes was on random when it hit this song.

It has been a really long while since i've listened to my old play list eh?

I need to write a new song soon...

With my new instrument.

Ambitious... yes...

Anyone else but you

I like singing this to you... because it is simple... honest... funny... just like that. I could sing it on repeat like a CD on loop. Here's my really short cheesy version of the song...

You'll be the paper and I'll be the rock
We sure are noisy for two simple people
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

I like how you wriggle and pull a face
You dance like a jelly fish without a head
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

I kiss you on your hand when I can't reach your face
I can't carry you cause I might break your legs
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

______________________________

Standing at the Doorway

I was running, gazing at the different shades of green...
The cars pass me by, the street lamps said goodbye, and then it hit.
That flash. That scene. The orange colored street light. The car. That moment. Gone.

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

It's just that everywhere I go
All the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders

The lights go out the same
The only difference is
you call another name

Moved

Imagine a cramp, stuffy, hot stage and weather... surrounding you are just 3 or 4 by-standers and unfamiliar faces of strangers walking pass...
You know it is a bad location and you can't really focus.. moreover you probably have this gut feeling that you are gonna screw up today.
You are looking around one last time for anyone familiar... but knowing full well no one would be there...
But then you saw her.
Standing next to the pillar at a distance... with shades shielding her eyes from the glaring sun.
So familiar... so safe... is what you felt in an instant...
And she's smiling back at you knowing that you have seen her.
It was enough.

respite

Five months. Just like that. It didn't felt like you left me at all. Seeing you again, holding you again felt the same. But within that time frame both of us have changed and grew. I am not the girl that I was before. Distance makes you realize how much you have taken simple gestures for granted. The act of picking up the phone to call. The act of crossing a road. Welcome home Denise. =) I can't wait for our pizza date at Timbre.

Come to think of it, I've done quite a lot within 5 months. Completed my internship, handed up my last thesis for school, had a short trip to Bintan, signed up for driving, did a music video with Tea-L, performed for HSA D&D, worked at ST Electronics, graduated, be a pirate mascot, picked up a new instrument (keyboard), performed (first & last 'live' as Tea-L) at StreetFest'08, preparing for next upcoming live at Fort Canning as Lucille..

What is a proper break?
I think I need it... a proper break.
An escape... a hideout...
Hmm... Sounds like sleep...

the call

It started out as a feeling

Which then grew into a hope

Which then turned into a quiet thought

Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder

'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back

When you call me

No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing

Doesn't mean it's never been this way before

All you can do is try to know who your friends are

As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon

And follow the light

You'll come back when it's over

No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning

It's just a feeling and no one knows yet

But just because they can't feel it too

Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger'

Till they're before your eyes

You'll come back

When they call you

No need to say goodbye

Regina Spektor - The Call

trepidation

What you desire, demand or anticipate from others is an egocentric act.
I have been wrong about many things recently.. And to that I apologize.
It is difficult, when you keep comparing the past to the present, of what you had and what you do not have now. The repercussion of this is what you know that you have lost, and all that is left is the feeling of uncertainty and fear that haunts you. "When fear is nothing but air... why do you still fear?" I keep telling myself that...

We do not have answers to many things in life.
And we will keep breathing in the air.
The mind will forever be a lonely place filled with battles and death.
You win some, and you lose some.
The only saving grace is the memories that were made along the way.

Just keep walking.

Today we perform, and what do performers do?
They act.

intermission

A soundless shift in time occured within these weeks. I find myself not at ease somehow. Uncomfortable perhaps at how surreal things are. Settled. Rarely I am at the state of mind. So to finally be at that state... makes me feel out of place.

Someone said this, "It is your time to enjoy the good stuffs, after going through all those shit." Maybe eh?

This cynical world has really warped up my sense of judgement and skepticism. Unknowingly/Knowingly you psyche your mind constantly everyday (every point in time/moment/second) to built up protective self-barriers (both big or small) so as to not crumble or be disappointed (be it a little/ a lot) or be labelled/seen as weak/childish/immature/sensitive/emo. Therefore the aftermath of this constant psyche/battle of the mind is negativity/disbelief/doubts/insecurity/pessimistic/overthinking. These are flaws that will hunt you everytime something good happens. It becomes your downfall in other areas of your life/character. Unknowingly... knowingly.

I'm living a pretty hectic schedule recently barely have the time to catch up with people. My apologies. But all is well with me, except the fact that I've barely got sufficient rest and alone-time. =( . If I could have 12 hours of undisturbed sleep... I'll be jumping off the roof! Ok ok... wishful thinking. Time seems to be running out on me these days. Do you feel that sometimes?

I wrote this to get me going (self-pep-talk), hope it motivates; "Forgive and forget all your yesterdays in order to live a better day, today. Live the present, a moment at a time. Seek to do the important things first, worry less to do more. Remember to breathe while your at it."

I'm still very much happy my dear significant. Simplicity at it's simplest. There is no math to it. Just open answers.


There is no rush, as we have all the time in the world to show them ours. One step at a time.

Just like that.

Alright?

brilliant

You slipped into my world unexpectedly... so...tender and endearing. Your innocence shatter my darkness. I am starting to believe in the goodness of the everyday, I am smiling myself silly within simple instances, moments and intervals. I am becoming more human..

Is this it?

Beauty in simplicity. You are.

How long have I lived this morbid character. Troubled you say? What did you saw that made you want to stay? Nobody ever did. I've dealt with more departures then arrivals, more funerals then weddings. More often people walked out on me, no one ever did walked in to stay long enough... to understand... to listen... to read between the lines. Those twisted games they played with my mind, building me up to tear me down.

Dates... are never the same.
Days... are never the same.

Fate bringer... lucky charm...

Mine.

nostalgia

If I could channel all the thoughts in my head into the words on this page, what a scene it would make. Lately I've experienced the ripple effect of situations and the veiled interfaces of my reality. How yielding it is to riff through the fragility of things. Perverse is the mind that seeks affliction, perverse are the eyes that run these words like news to be devoured, perverse is the bias antecedent of time.

My memory is failing me, it is selective in nature and it dims out the truth of things. My archives are bleak, and maybe just maybe I... unconciously... sadistically... took pleasure and comfort in them through the years. Now the wheels have turned. I need to face my demons. I fear this impending tendency for me to destroy every good thing that happens.

tonight

Happy. I've been seeing this word a lot lately. Because I am. And I hope you would be too. And to all those around I hope you will feel it. I love the way your scent lingers on me even when you leave and even as I type this post. It's like... your still here. With me. For me. Near me. Thank you.

Words just ran away from me tonight making it hard to type. So here's something short for this moment.

It's that feeling even if the world collapse, you won't even care and that all is good.
It's that feeling where... my legs feel weak and my smiles can't hide.

I've discovered enlightenment holding your hand.

You are.

So Beautiful

Whether I'm right or wrong
There's no phrase that hits
Like an ocean needs the sand
Or a dirty old shoe that fits
And if all the world was perfect
I would only ever want to see your scars
You know they can have their universe
We'll be in the dirt designing stars

Whether I'm up or down
There's no crowd to please
I'm like a faith without a clause to believe in it
And if all the world was smiling
I would only ever want to see your frown
You know they can sail away in sunsets
We'll be right here stranded on the ground
Just happy to be found

I have lost my illusions
I have drowned in your words
I have left my confusion to a cynical world
I am throwing myself at things I don't understand
Discover enlightenment holding your hand

You are..
So beautiful.



So Beautiful by Darren Hayes

ingenuous

So I fall asleep in front of my lap top, I wake up to the sound of my own laughter in my dreams, and my need for sleep is essential yet lacking. It feels like I am doing too much in one day. But I guess it only means that I am living to the brink of the everyday.

I seem to be smiling more recently, to various reasons. It is the simplicity, innocence and honesty of situations and moments that makes everything… beautiful. And I am thankful. It is not easy for the unexpected to happen and somehow still fall into place. But it did.

Did you know...
I am starting to believe again?

Here's what I scribbled when I was on the train that day...

I swear my heart moved to cause a stir in the silence
Could you hear it?
The way your eyes spoke for only me, was it really just me?

Do they pair the obvious
Because that cannot be the only way, we live for the obvious.
We make... the obvious.

love after love

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.


Derek Walcott

juncture

I have finally understood, the whole depth and truth behind the meaning of this saying, "only time will tell". I am not stating the obvious, just stating a point, a moment of comprehension. After running around in circles and being such a fickle creature, time is the only thing that stands in this realm, both, now and forever, past, present and future. Every coincidence, every passing moment, even a click, with or without the least consideration, could cause a silent chain reaction that permeates and transcends all understanding and instances to everything and everyone around. The impact is so immense that you do not realize it until, much time have passed. It is amazing what time can do to us...

they call it.. sky juice. no.. seriously.

Jumping out of bed to phonecalls, job interviews, bus rides, massive rain and cold feet. Well, hasn't it started snowing in Singapore? There is something about today. It is Thursday already?

I've finally watched Juno... sweet. =)

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on your back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
I want more fans, you want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You're always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?

I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

vivant

Adding one more post to the rest of the 66 posts so far. I'm still alive.

I feel better today, waking up early to breathe the morning air, watching my curtains rise and fall, watching the changing colours of the morning sky. My fingers and toes are all cold and frozen up despite having two blankets. Sleeping does reset your being to prepare you to meet a new day, it wipes away your raw emotions and hunger. It really does. That's why they call it... "Good Morning".

There… Good Morning...

I'm thankful to be able to speak to Denise this morning. It's been almost 3 months. Her return would be spectacular. I have not gone back to our usual hang outs. It is just not the same going to those places without her. I miss our moments, soups, drinks, madness, walks and talks because I can really do some of it right now.

"One day at a time eh babe?"

That's what she would say...

Quick… come back and keep my sanity in check…

They say, many things in life is just about getting use to it.

I... don't like that.

sting

And I was right. The wind has changed.

There is a fury building up, how irrational it is, how vindictive it is. Tell me how the hell could they behave like that? Aren’t they listening? Could they pay attention to not only themselves for a change? I could be screaming in their faces and they won't even realize it. I know reality would be catching up with me, to strike me hard. And every time it does that, I can never be prepared no matter how I said I would want to be. I am so angry at the idea of being angry...so hurt at the idea of being hurt... so very helpless.

arbitrary

It's been awhile since I wrote, and many things have altered along the way. Only when you click on the archives of your life, that you realize how much time have passed you by. To the things that mattered and to the things that never existed; all those intervals of moments, have passed. The weather was cold today, going out for a run with a companion was different (some fun), running errands by myself have revealed what a disaster I am in trying to get from point A to point B. Not to mention crossing roads and stuff like that. Perhaps I really have grown old...

Shaken by reality.
Ambiguous in stature.
Wayward with words.

I always believed in the cycle of things; that there is a balance in every good and bad moments/days/season/period which would tally out, somehow. I have been enjoying a whole lotta good days recently, it is all good, yet daunting at the same time. I hope when the wind decides to change its direction I would be able to hold out till the next gust of goodness decides to swing back into my life.

thank you.

I've changed my sleeping; waking hours.
I’ve started eating breakfast!
And I even have the time to digest The Strait Times, page by page.

Wow. No really. Wow. I never had all this before.

So this is simplicity. And this is company. I will miss this. I guess you will only know what loneliness has done to you, unconsciously… silently… through the years/months/days… till you are in the company of someone else.

Waking up together. Breathing the morning air together. Making breakfast together. Talking. Communicating. Laughing. Eating at the table. Reading the papers and commenting on the news/scandals. Reminiscence of memories forgotten.

I’ve forgotten what it is like to be really human. To use my five senses… to live.

So I’ve picked up my guitar again. And I don’t know about you… but I’m pretty keen on writing my next song.

I love you…. Grandma. This episode has rendered me helpless to reality. Time is running out, and you are getting old, thank you, for putting my life back on track. Don’t leave me too soon. I can’t bare that. You know how much I love to cry don’t you? It was you all long eh?

CNY

Affinity with hospitals and funerals - Check.
Unlucky & tragically warped CNY - Check.
Watching "porn" with family and friends on CNY - Check.
Still alive - Check.

Hectic rush and a fluctuating rise and fall to my heart. Things that are not in my control seems to have its kick this week. But hey, I'm still breathing, and... painfully trying to write a thesis amidst the mess. Almost there almost there I say... So I wonder what else can tomorrow bring?

whimsical

Ok ok. I am not all sad, dark and twisty. I am just whimsical. I am still human mind you... and I enjoy the simple pleasures of the ordinary life. Take for example, finally getting the chance to stay home. Rush a portfolio. Play worms. Watch television. Play the guitar. Visit the movies once in awhile. To prove it, the last show I watched was "Cloverfield"...which nearly made me puke...really bad show for people who suffer motion sickness. I have been clean since the start of this year, which is a really good sign. Along the week I realize something in me clicked. Something happened. I am not too sure exactly what. But I feel a change. A good thing. A good change. It's that feeling, where everything in my life is finally properly archived.

asylum

For a week they left me in an asylum. They said that I was mad. But what exactly is madness?

Madness is the inability to communicate your ideas. It's as if you were in a foreign country, able to see and understand everything that's going on around you, but incabable of explaining what you need to know or of being helped, because you don't understand the language they speak there.

Don't we all have felt that?
All of us, one way or another, are mad.

I read this recently...

A powerful wizard, who wanted to destroy an entire kingdom, placed a magic potion in a well from which all the inhabitants drank. Whoever drank that water would go mad.

The following morning, the whole population drank from the well and they all went mad, apart from the kind and his family, who had a well set aside for them alone, and which the magican had not managed to poison. The king was worried and tried to control the population by issuing a series of edicts governing security and public health. The policemen and the inspectors, however, had also drunk the poisoned water and they thought the king's decisions were absurd and resolved to take no notice of them.

When the inhabitants of the kingdom heard these decrees they became convinced that the king had gone mad and was now giving nonsensical orders. They marched on the castle and called for his abdication. In despair, the king prepared to step down from the throne, but the queen stopped him, saying "Let us drink from the communal well. Then, we will be the same as them. And that was what they did: the king, and the queen drank the water of madness and immediately began talking nonsense. Their subjects repented at once; now that the king was displaying such wisdom, why not allow him to continue ruling the country?

The country continued to live in peace, although its inhabitants behaved very differently from those of its neighbours. And the king was able to govern until the end of his days.

Do you know what exist out there in my world? The people who have drunk from the same well. They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. Well, I'm going to pretend that I have drunk from the same well as them.

watching you

If I could love, this is it.

I hate to say goodbye to you, because... you are the last person I ever want to say goodbye to.
So I will be strong for you. Because I know I will see you again and I will still be here, the same old me, at this same spot where you left, I will be waiting here where the spot you left would not be taken. So come back, and fill up this spot again. There were a few points in time today, where I secretly took little memory snap shots of you as we were going about simple routines...watching you make a purchase... watching you smile to yourself as you reflect on certain memory flashbacks of people... watching you as you sit beside me with your head bowed as you said a prayer... watching the way you eat and stir your favourite vegetable and rice together with this very cute circular movement with your cutlery... Just watching you. If I could...I would be so selfish as to steal you away from everyone and keep you with me, and tell the world that I own you and that you belong to me and only me. But that is foolish. You belong to the world. As I was walking home it hit me that you are not here. And... I wondered how many times I would be crossing that "small road" now that you are not around. And... When would I be walking you home again? I sound like a lover now don't I?

One day at a time.
One moment at a time.
One breath at a time.
I miss you love.

breathe

I know. You don't have to say it. I have to fix. To piece the scattered shards of the everyday. The movie said, some doors are not for us to close. Doors. Where did the keys go? Do they find their way back? Or are they left in that empty jar awaiting someone's return or claim? Wouldn't it be sad that in time to come the only story to be told from that set of keys are its chains? I thought I could just walk away. Run away. Anything. To get out of that moment and every other moment. But here's the sad truth. Existence is catching up. And I am lacking the energy to go anywhere. To move anywhere. To run anywhere. To walk anywhere. Let alone fight for anything with or without any cause. I don't even have the strength to reach out, call out, cry out, ask, want, need, demand, claim, and explain. I can't find the way anymore. How did the script made pain so real and deep. How the act made everything collapse on the inside. How did names even strike an arduous match? I can't breathe. I can't. I can't breathe though I am taking breaths.

___________________________________________________

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
And we hang our heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or where ever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio, and
I'll find your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, you're still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed me the door.

The Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata

___________________________________________________

Mannequin

I pray my next song would make you cry. I pray my next song would touch the heart of anyone who hears it. I really love the lyrics. And it has taken me awhile to match the music to it so that it would fit perfectly. This would be my first song for the year 2008. I hope I can get down to recording it soon, so that everyone/anyone/people can hear it, and feel it. The many layers would be a pain. But the end product would be the most rewarding thing I would ever feel.

I've successfully married the lyrics and music together on the night of 4th January 2008.

___________________________________________________________

Mannequin

Could I tell you a story
About a girl I met very recently
She was telling me beautiful dreams
and love in her reality
She had all that she wanted in him
How they met and ran away with
Words and time - Together.

Could I tell you I met her again
She was crying
So scared to repent
She said: "Everything, everything was a lie"
"Everything, everthing was her lie."

She was on the bus that night
Heading home when she thought about the show she watched
And it hit her, it hit her
Through and through
She said: "Oh my God, I've been in love with a mannequin of you."

She ran home so fast just to check if it's true
And she screamed for "him" to reply
Just a 'Hello' will do won't you say it back to me now
I can't take this silence, no I can't take this loneliness again.

Is that all - I will ever have of you.
Just a mannequin, a mannequin.
Of You.


Joyner
___________________________________________________________

cryptic

If people are more attentive they do not need words to converse.
Because the slightest gesture of a look a gaze or a movement, would give them away. Akin to a picture explaining itself without the need of any narration.
Do not be a fool to misuse your words. As it would be too late to realize that the slightest err is enough to upset an unseen moment. It is difficult nowadays, for anyone to slow down, to be at the same state of mind. Those moments are hard to come by. But when they do, remember, slow down too.

I was walking along a straight path, and everyone was walking ahead of me. That piercing pain hit me again, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream. I just stood there paralyzed. But no one saw me. In that scene, everything was in slow motion. No one... saw me.

lot

My head hurts.
My body is breaking down on me.
Insides feeling all battered and messed up.
What happened within a day?
When all I need is sleep. I need that coma. That peace.
I lay in bed, thinking... while enjoying the gentle breeze swing its caresses.
I want to believe again. Teach me. Show me.
To believe in the goodness of people.
To believe in the idea of love. In trust. In hope.
I know that reality has been unkind to fairytales.
But what happened along the way?
I will let myself wait on fate, chance, destiny and time again.
I dare the Gods to wager with the points and intervals in my life this year.
Let me believe again.

Only human

I know I am alright. That this year... is something I can do. Everything doesn't matter. Everything goes. I've forgiven. I've let go. I've killed. I've died. And... I'll start to believe again because you are my person. There are things that I would be giving up on. That is the addiction in the act. The fool that I have let myself become. I am putting my life at stake. The people. The path. The way. This is it. This is the moment. To start. To begin. To let...live.

The beautiful limbo I slip into while marrying my lyrics and music together.
Tells me that...I am here.

Just a poet.
Just a musician.
Just a girl.
Only human.

Hello... 2008.