I chose to believe that you were right and I was saving you from hell. Giving all that you need and desired to feel better. Everything stopped making sense and all I could do was give. Even when things were cast in stone and you will never be mine, I created a space for you to come back. Maybe the idea of holding onto this last line of connection could justify that you need me still. Maybe when I have read enough of your lies and pain could I tell myself that this is enough. You are not allowed nor entitled to move on before I do.

Do you remember I searched you out
How I climbed your city’s walls
Do you remember me as devout
How I prayed for your calls
I stood still, it's what I did
Love like ours just never fits
I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool
Then you blame me and block me out
How long did you think I’d last
Then you disappeared for weeks to pout
How many times could I pack
If you’re worried that I might've changed
Left behind all of my foolish ways
You best be looking for somebody else
Without a foolish heart
A foolish heart
But stand still is all we did
Love like ours just never fits.

It is always darker before the dark. I followed you in and was left behind. You traced circles around me to justify your failed reality, so what we did was wasting time. There were others that bought your story and gave you options. All you needed was an excuse, a proxy for your release. I leaned in closer to the flame and laid down on the ground. You didn't come back for me. 

It is here that we pretend nothing happened. 

I was your vindication. 

Scratching the surface of paper, staring at the screen in front of me. I'm hollow. Pathetic. Really. Replaying each scenes in my head just to let you linger, replacing sentences or trying to catch a glimpse of signs I had missed. What had I done wrong. Why didn't you choose me. Want me. Pick me. It was you and me against the world. Now, I am just out of your world. A shadow that you seek to look behind from afar time to time. How could you ask that of me.

Texting on a night like this when your body is next to another and maybe underneath yours in a second. Does it make sense when your telling me not to reply? Stop. What is left that you have yet to break? No. I will not give you that privilege.

You are a sin to respond.

Your picture sealed reality forever. Lies. You are made up of. Should I say congratulations now? For the part you have played so absolutely well, amazing performance of being the victim. But you forgot to bury a body in your backyard, I can see her standing at your windows walking in circles. I guess running someone down with your car is forgivable nowadays.

No, it was not your fault. I was too sincere.

You didn't tell me you were leaving when I left. So you waited when I was thousand miles away from you before you departed. How do I move on from here? Even with her by my side I know she is not staying, unlike you. It was my excuse to say that I was accompanying you for dinners, but it was me who needed your company the most. I spoke freely and laughed harder with you and my weekends are no longer the same. I sit in your empty house, a desolate shell, I don't feel you here. Staring at an empty space I see our ghosts playing out a familiar scene. You have gone to a place that I can no longer follow. At least, let me dream of you. One more time. I miss you.

Never mix business with pleasure. This statement haunts me every time. I had taken a barrel of oil, poured it over every score sheet, floor, heart, fingers, beliefs, hope and instrument. With a match I set everything ablaze, collected every fragments and placed my ash into an urn.

How do I begin again. I can no longer speak or write the same way. Stay up late with a pencil, paper, inspiration... Give it back. Everything. I want it back.

Don't get me wrong. Your no longer mine, just like a disease that I want nothing to do with. The clicks will get lesser and you will be washed out from all the gaps.

Haven't I told you before we started pain makes people change and look what you've done, I'm changing again. You never knew what you want, when all I wanted was you.

Do you know what is cruel?

Standing in the crowd staring at flags, clutching fist, holding tears. Gripping the wheel in an empty car that will never carry your scent. Heart flinching when I pass a familiar place, hand reaching for heart to hold it in. Breathing yet suffocating as the lungs refuse to believe its inhaling, hammering at my chest to take in air.

I will. Quit you.

What you don't know won't hurt you.

The times I've clicked and searched your name just to get a glimpse of life without me. All that was said and done, in the car where we spent the last hours of our push and pulls, you didn't fight for me.

Was it not worth your while or have I been taken for a ride. Head against the pillow, my body is brutally bruised and in shock. I choke and gasp demanding myself to recover. I shake and shiver. It's burning hot but I'm cold and dying. Heart in hand, free falls and hits the ground.

You. My murderer.

Sitting in the dark I looked out into the sleeping world. This will become a part of me from hereon, in the break of dawn.

No longer seeking out a face, yes you hungry eyes, nor dancing in circles in the crowded room, nor sweet intoxication of smoke and sound... I have walked out the back door of that life and never looked back since.

And now, I walk on into another life.