senses

I only have these words written for today.
And I'll see you soon.

"When you left, I saw the first glimmer of tears in your eyes; for me.
And my last vivid image of you, was you standing there at the center of the passageway saying goodbye. "

And all I could do, was walk away.

Trauma messes with all of us. So that we could step up.
My whole body refused work today. Hates the whole cycle of it. And it welcomed the sickness with open arms.
We are all messed up. We cause trauma we suffer trauma.

I have no direction in my life and I've never been happier. Weekends are suppose to be like these. Curled up in bed a little longer with you. It is hard to forget I said, when there is such an empty space when you are gone. I won't deny the fool I was as a scientist. Experimenting theories and fascinations. There was nothing to discover. I am back. Here. With you. "I'll be back so soon you won't have time to miss me. Look after my heart - I've left it with you."

bliss

Is lying gently in your loving arms,
feeling your soft breathing beside my ear,
Where two bodies touch in tender embrace.
I breathe you in deeply and quietly,
running my fingers through your luscious hair,
wondering how long this moment shall linger,
a moment where I am one with the world,
shaded under your parasol of love.
Your chaste gentle kisses upon my cheeks,
is latent with playful wanting passion.
I close my eyes shivering silently,
overwhelmed as you press your lips to mine.
In that moment no words ever mattered,
as your heart whispers deep into my soul,
telling me that I am yours forever.

for 25th March 2009

I write a lot.
To the point where I am always out of paper and I have to rely on my cellphone and (certain) recipients who are willing to read the words that I pen down. I am neither a student nor a professor in English & Literature. But I just like putting words together to form sentences to ponder about. Reflective phrases. I do not like to leave words unwritten.
In photography, photographs are ought to be taken/shot to capture or to seal that moment in time, similarly, words should be written just as they were thought of.
So I think a lot.

Because I write a lot.
Because I can't wait to see you again.
So I'll see you soon, love.

Bed philosophy

You aren't missing out on anything in the day. Because nothing happens. So don't feel like you are missing out on a lot when you are stuck at work. Being at home the past few days, has been a blessing and a realization too. I got plentiful of rest. I am recovering from the virus. Being able to drift off to sleep as and when I like. Having no concern with the speed of time. It was all good. I look younger actually. The power of sleep is amazing. Restores strength and youth. Home is a lonely place during the day. Because no one is at home. Everyone is busy with their own work and lives during the day. So home is an empty place during the day.

I am not too sure if I am able to hop back into the whole hectic routine of work tomorrow. But we will see. Five solid days at home has really been so so good. Just what the body needed. You do not realize the impact society, work and life has done to you unless you are made to stay in bed to see for yourself. How tired and exhausted every inch of your body is. And it feels like sleep is never enough. I look a whole lot younger now. I feel at peace with my body and my soul. I feel at ease and relaxed.

So stay in bed people.

twenty three fifty nine

I wonder what the eagle saw today as it flew into the sun, and all it became was a specter of white light. I do not know if it is true that after a downpour a new sun would appear; fresh and bright, as if nothing has ever happened. Everyday is a Dark Night. Accepting has been an easier route to take. No use fighting the system of things. We never win.

Distance does strange things to us - me. It makes the moments that aren't there anymore, scream the loudest. Made you not being around - amplified. One minute a day of you is just not enough. Twenty three fifty nine, without you, unbearable. I miss the little details of things like holding you in crowded places. Imagine how crowded yet empty I feel at the train station or inside a train? How close, bodies to bodies, skin on skin, everyone is, yet are such strangers at the same time.

See you soon... sounds so endearing now.

I miss you love.

to Joyner

I know its been hard on you my love.. its a first for the both of us.. lets just keep in mind that we shall handle a day at a time, and leave the worries of tomorrow for tomorrow.. we haven't got much time for ourselves.. lets cherish these times and leave the worrying for later.. similar in the ways we are, I do understand what its like, when thoughts gets flooded into your mind.. lets just phase out these cacophony of the surroundings.. fall into the arms of each other, be what we are.. I think I heard these from a part of a song, and I find it meaningful..

Strangers in the night..
exchanging glances,
wondering what would be their chances..
two lovely people of the world..

Somehow, its speaks a lot about us.. the way we met, the flow we progressed, till what we are now.. I cherish every moment we have together, restricted in ways we are.. slowly, but surely, we shall break free from these shackles and binds.. and be free to be who and what we are.. I will be looking forward to this day.. ever so anxious..

veer

This weekend has been a revelation all over again to my life. I grasped this lesson a long time before but it just had been a really long while since it hit again. Yes, my experiment was a little sadistic and painful but it was exactly what I need to smack the right senses into me.

Brida was right when she said: "Disappointment, defeat and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way." Strange tools. But I must say they are rather much more effective. For someone like me; I administer unto self.

So I rented a car. And drove like an insane being. I enjoyed the speed, the skids, the thrills of driving through red lights and the pouring rain, fantastic U-turns that slams everyone in the same direction, the compliments of my awesome driving and not crashing, to save a friend from being evicted, seizing every waking possible moment not sleeping just driving. Picture perfect; my guitar in the boot, a radio-tumbler (of ice, coke, wine, beer, mocha), candles, giant party poppers, a change of clothes, a book.

3rd March: I will live life as though I am driving with blindfolds on; without releasing the gas paddle.

I just did. Everything on impulse. At the edge of the knife, I filtered the things and people that mattered. Truly. Madly. So. What you planned, are just your flights of fancy (which ceases to happen). The unplanned, is your only entity; reality.

8 March: Forgive me for the fool that I am. They don't hear my screams like you do.

I drive, you ride, and I love you.

let the right one in

The only time that I will ever own you and call you mine. Is here and now. And when all this has passed, I will never again be able to put up our picture, or call your name, or watch a movie with you, or hold your hand, or sink into your arms to hear your heart beat before you depart. Of all this, I will never be able to do, when I loose you. We are slipping through time together now. It does not matter how we end. Here and now is crucial, despite everything not making any sense.


Here's my favourite screen shot of the week:-

Under water, seconds are slipping, breaths are getting shorter...
A ripple, a struggle on the surface of the water on the other side.. Silently a head falls in... followed by a quick shudder of the arm holding Oskar's head, detached, and descends gently by his side.. But all this, he does not see.

He opens his eyes to see her perfectly round glistening eyes... tinted with blood.

Priceless. Let the right one in.

farther

I'm thinking again. I won't flood you with my messages today. I shall write here while I can. It must be the weather and this song on repeat. Step into my head for awhile now, I'm thinking; How different we love. How our characteristics and personalities form the base and skeleton of a relationship, the birth and the end of it. If you really look deep beyond our flesh and bones, skin and clothes, you realize that our upbringing, beliefs, influences, habits, hobbies, likings & dislikes, intervals of life changing decisions, silently molds the style of our relationships with others. It is fascinating, maybe we all thought about it, but just did not get a chance to put it down in words.

On 22nd February I wrote: "I guess everyone loves very differently. Some needs to be controlled. Some enjoys wearing the pants. Some craves power and respect. Some needs to be free. Some love more than they should."

So how do you love.

People walk in and out of our lives, but it is us, who controls whether they are allowed to stay or go. It was never their decision, it was ours - all along.

billet

To own this in time I have to write it.

I flew a kite today. Really high. I thought about something while flying the kite. In time to come. We don't need them to come back anymore. Their shadows that we would cling on will see us through. And just like that, moving on crept in, without knowledge, without you. Not accepting felt easier and safe. But now to acknowledge that you did, finally after years of chasing the wind, felt just like running with the wind, in the direction of the wind, while the kite soars. Or running and feeling that it is done. It is finally over. Straight and fast out of the labyrinth. I choose it. We choose it. Being in the same room didn't matter. Seeing clearly happened whilst history did not repeat. Out the window I saw for myself what was out there, that you did not see, and I knew that you will never see. Never mind that you won't see. But thank you for leading me back to the start where I fell. The fall was so beautiful that I allowed your blinding light. It is not you, it was me that made you beautiful.