persona swings.

So we will grow older. And after all the disputes and little arguments, we learn. To learn what really matters to us, to understand what we really want, to start over and meet our new selves that have readily changed with the new season that somehow catches you unaware. To let go. Nothing remains, especially what we believed, so do not be dishearten. But the few that remains faithfully through every season is a significant. I forgive readily, but I will never forget damages. Not that I didn't let go, but damages are the scars that moulds my path that moulds who I am now. Time has neither been fast nor slow, it has just been constant but we live as though we are dying, and we die as though we had never lived. I'm 19 already. Impulsive me wants to make all the mistakes I can make as a (last) teen. Rational me just wants to do the right thing. I am torn between the two extremes of my persona. Random & Impulsive VS Rational & Calm. So I swing. A new friend along with a couple of old friends stepped into my life...it is a cycle people stepping in and out to make things a little more interesting here and there. I like that phrase Denise said to me the other day, "We are only used when we allow it." A lot of truth in that. I allow things to happen. Sometimes out of curiosity. Sometimes just to see what happens next. Sometimes I just want to get into a little advanture and spontaneous mode. Sometimes I want to ride a high. Or sometimes I just want to get hurt. I am still pretty much a kid despite my writings. That is why I am not all good as a person. I do get possessive and jealous but I will somehow put myself in check and take a walk because some times I do too, fear that I am not good enough. Hafizhah won an award today with this phrase to end my day: " but i like joyner the way she is be it, good or bad. =) "

Chapter 31 : Flights of fancy

The addiction is not in the drugs. It is in the act. Just like what I said last night. It is not the being but the memory. I was running on a high, and all that mattered was the chase, the predicament.

I could visit that point in time, and stay there, as it is the only place where you are near. Sing to me, once again, in your room...like old days.

So give me a memory and I will make you a song. This is the need that is killing me on the inside everyday. Is this a possession or a jealousy I seem to have that just cannot be shaken off? What have I become?

We will never stay the same, what we believed, what we are, everything... moves and alter along with time and decisions we make. So here's the truth of the truth, what I am is not all good, it is not all bad.

And I miss you the most.

Chapter 30 : catalyst

Staring at the pack in front of me. I know it is full than empty. I could start but there would be no end. Why do they tell you to stop when they had never listened to your cries? Irony of a human being. I am just holding out... I find myself repeating. But I know these actions would bring about a chain effect. Time has told me, my impulse does not do me any good. A cup of gin, and so I did. Just like that. Indeed the best gift. Happy birthday...

Where all wrongs are made right.
When loneliness is made perfect.
That is where I belong.

Chapter 29 : vacate

I walked in knowing what to expect. How often we do that. The same old routine taken for granted. I am afraid my words would fail me or I may summon cruel blasephemy if I do not hold back. Maybe if we were older, when pride has left us, we would see better. But... we are only human. Our fragility is our downfall isn't it? What ever that is left of me that you would like to take or destroy... just do it.

The silhouette by the corner now vacant along with time
To be what it was initially without a sound
How the distraction made real to what it is now
Where all that I am fond of is nothing of the being
but the parallel memory in itself.

so this is what you would like to read?

Alright. I shall stop chaptering and start writing something blog worthy to be read and understood. Happy?

Work has gradually became a war zone alongside sick entertainment of dog walking, doughnuts, gardens, smoke breaks and stuff like that.

Politics, our ever non stop hits of Jo Jo's jokes and songs, random situations by distressed passengers, horror tales of toilets & heads & knocks & dead people & where they put the corspe and coffins in our work place, stories of the "she", free manicure services... not forgetting everyone is getting an anal session with the great old mighty yoda located above us.

All hail tuesday. I hope I win the bet for the first open fire from yoda.

Yay.

By the way, emo is good. It's an expressive way to kick yourself around while making a scene that is worthy to be read. =)

Guess whose back.

Chapter 28 : riven

I don't have any volume like the glass cup. Compared to a sudden shattering of everything you endear, a slow cracking is much easier to handle.

My fragility wasn't your fault.