whimsical

Ok ok. I am not all sad, dark and twisty. I am just whimsical. I am still human mind you... and I enjoy the simple pleasures of the ordinary life. Take for example, finally getting the chance to stay home. Rush a portfolio. Play worms. Watch television. Play the guitar. Visit the movies once in awhile. To prove it, the last show I watched was "Cloverfield"...which nearly made me puke...really bad show for people who suffer motion sickness. I have been clean since the start of this year, which is a really good sign. Along the week I realize something in me clicked. Something happened. I am not too sure exactly what. But I feel a change. A good thing. A good change. It's that feeling, where everything in my life is finally properly archived.

asylum

For a week they left me in an asylum. They said that I was mad. But what exactly is madness?

Madness is the inability to communicate your ideas. It's as if you were in a foreign country, able to see and understand everything that's going on around you, but incabable of explaining what you need to know or of being helped, because you don't understand the language they speak there.

Don't we all have felt that?
All of us, one way or another, are mad.

I read this recently...

A powerful wizard, who wanted to destroy an entire kingdom, placed a magic potion in a well from which all the inhabitants drank. Whoever drank that water would go mad.

The following morning, the whole population drank from the well and they all went mad, apart from the kind and his family, who had a well set aside for them alone, and which the magican had not managed to poison. The king was worried and tried to control the population by issuing a series of edicts governing security and public health. The policemen and the inspectors, however, had also drunk the poisoned water and they thought the king's decisions were absurd and resolved to take no notice of them.

When the inhabitants of the kingdom heard these decrees they became convinced that the king had gone mad and was now giving nonsensical orders. They marched on the castle and called for his abdication. In despair, the king prepared to step down from the throne, but the queen stopped him, saying "Let us drink from the communal well. Then, we will be the same as them. And that was what they did: the king, and the queen drank the water of madness and immediately began talking nonsense. Their subjects repented at once; now that the king was displaying such wisdom, why not allow him to continue ruling the country?

The country continued to live in peace, although its inhabitants behaved very differently from those of its neighbours. And the king was able to govern until the end of his days.

Do you know what exist out there in my world? The people who have drunk from the same well. They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. Well, I'm going to pretend that I have drunk from the same well as them.

watching you

If I could love, this is it.

I hate to say goodbye to you, because... you are the last person I ever want to say goodbye to.
So I will be strong for you. Because I know I will see you again and I will still be here, the same old me, at this same spot where you left, I will be waiting here where the spot you left would not be taken. So come back, and fill up this spot again. There were a few points in time today, where I secretly took little memory snap shots of you as we were going about simple routines...watching you make a purchase... watching you smile to yourself as you reflect on certain memory flashbacks of people... watching you as you sit beside me with your head bowed as you said a prayer... watching the way you eat and stir your favourite vegetable and rice together with this very cute circular movement with your cutlery... Just watching you. If I could...I would be so selfish as to steal you away from everyone and keep you with me, and tell the world that I own you and that you belong to me and only me. But that is foolish. You belong to the world. As I was walking home it hit me that you are not here. And... I wondered how many times I would be crossing that "small road" now that you are not around. And... When would I be walking you home again? I sound like a lover now don't I?

One day at a time.
One moment at a time.
One breath at a time.
I miss you love.

breathe

I know. You don't have to say it. I have to fix. To piece the scattered shards of the everyday. The movie said, some doors are not for us to close. Doors. Where did the keys go? Do they find their way back? Or are they left in that empty jar awaiting someone's return or claim? Wouldn't it be sad that in time to come the only story to be told from that set of keys are its chains? I thought I could just walk away. Run away. Anything. To get out of that moment and every other moment. But here's the sad truth. Existence is catching up. And I am lacking the energy to go anywhere. To move anywhere. To run anywhere. To walk anywhere. Let alone fight for anything with or without any cause. I don't even have the strength to reach out, call out, cry out, ask, want, need, demand, claim, and explain. I can't find the way anymore. How did the script made pain so real and deep. How the act made everything collapse on the inside. How did names even strike an arduous match? I can't breathe. I can't. I can't breathe though I am taking breaths.

___________________________________________________

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
And we hang our heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or where ever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio, and
I'll find your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, you're still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed me the door.

The Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata

___________________________________________________

Mannequin

I pray my next song would make you cry. I pray my next song would touch the heart of anyone who hears it. I really love the lyrics. And it has taken me awhile to match the music to it so that it would fit perfectly. This would be my first song for the year 2008. I hope I can get down to recording it soon, so that everyone/anyone/people can hear it, and feel it. The many layers would be a pain. But the end product would be the most rewarding thing I would ever feel.

I've successfully married the lyrics and music together on the night of 4th January 2008.

___________________________________________________________

Mannequin

Could I tell you a story
About a girl I met very recently
She was telling me beautiful dreams
and love in her reality
She had all that she wanted in him
How they met and ran away with
Words and time - Together.

Could I tell you I met her again
She was crying
So scared to repent
She said: "Everything, everything was a lie"
"Everything, everthing was her lie."

She was on the bus that night
Heading home when she thought about the show she watched
And it hit her, it hit her
Through and through
She said: "Oh my God, I've been in love with a mannequin of you."

She ran home so fast just to check if it's true
And she screamed for "him" to reply
Just a 'Hello' will do won't you say it back to me now
I can't take this silence, no I can't take this loneliness again.

Is that all - I will ever have of you.
Just a mannequin, a mannequin.
Of You.


Joyner
___________________________________________________________

cryptic

If people are more attentive they do not need words to converse.
Because the slightest gesture of a look a gaze or a movement, would give them away. Akin to a picture explaining itself without the need of any narration.
Do not be a fool to misuse your words. As it would be too late to realize that the slightest err is enough to upset an unseen moment. It is difficult nowadays, for anyone to slow down, to be at the same state of mind. Those moments are hard to come by. But when they do, remember, slow down too.

I was walking along a straight path, and everyone was walking ahead of me. That piercing pain hit me again, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream. I just stood there paralyzed. But no one saw me. In that scene, everything was in slow motion. No one... saw me.

lot

My head hurts.
My body is breaking down on me.
Insides feeling all battered and messed up.
What happened within a day?
When all I need is sleep. I need that coma. That peace.
I lay in bed, thinking... while enjoying the gentle breeze swing its caresses.
I want to believe again. Teach me. Show me.
To believe in the goodness of people.
To believe in the idea of love. In trust. In hope.
I know that reality has been unkind to fairytales.
But what happened along the way?
I will let myself wait on fate, chance, destiny and time again.
I dare the Gods to wager with the points and intervals in my life this year.
Let me believe again.

Only human

I know I am alright. That this year... is something I can do. Everything doesn't matter. Everything goes. I've forgiven. I've let go. I've killed. I've died. And... I'll start to believe again because you are my person. There are things that I would be giving up on. That is the addiction in the act. The fool that I have let myself become. I am putting my life at stake. The people. The path. The way. This is it. This is the moment. To start. To begin. To let...live.

The beautiful limbo I slip into while marrying my lyrics and music together.
Tells me that...I am here.

Just a poet.
Just a musician.
Just a girl.
Only human.

Hello... 2008.

chapter 41 : End

This is the end.
This is... goodbye.
Remember today.
I've no respect for you.

Crashed.
And.
Burned.

The End.

chapter 40 : want

If I could take you away

Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay, but they just dont care
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you
walk away, don't you walk away.

chapter 39 : Fray

Must a fight for a cause be known?
Is there a need to be recognized, to be acknowledged, to be appreciated, to be accepted, to be heard, to be felt, then only is it counted?
Must all the cause that is fought for, be made known?
How about to those who kept silent?
Have I become too cynical to believe?
How and when would reality have a place for me?
All that you did, I have done it all, with the same passion, but they were all acts that no one would ever know took place.
But haven't I been living all this while in this silent fight, where suddenly everything in my life, doesn't matter anymore. Because... love is watching... someone die.

All I want... is....that one point in time...

...where everything would collide again.

191207

191207

I cry with you, though I am not there.

Always remember that I am holding you with these invisible hands.
I will always love you deeply still, despite the distance and silence.
This post is dedicated to you, and the loss... that I cannot make up for.

I love you.

chapter 38 : I saw you

Believe me. I saw you. You were standing there at that very crossroad, and you looked the same, except your hair was cut. You were not distracted by the cars going by or the lights surrounding you or even the noise passing you by. Your eyes were looking down at your hands and you were holding a guitar, it was your instrument your soul and that everything else was a fake. The vehicle I was on passed you by, and as I stood up from my seat with my hands on the window pane, watching, staring, thinking; I saw you. As the vehicle turned in loops, and went further away, I saw you. You started walking in that one direction I wanted to follow, but as I tried to keep up with you, I just couldn't. Because there will always be this distance and space between us that I can never cross over to reach you. And all you did was keep walking ahead, without me.

But, I saw you.

chapter 37 : This world you must've crossed

I have to make a decision that I am honestly not very sure about as to how much do I really want it. How much do I want it enough to take this leap and throw myself into the great unknown? But how much do we really want something to fight for nowadays? I am running out of time. You asked if I could do it. So here's my answer now, I could. And I would, pack up and leave with no strings attached, as nothing is holding me back. Why? Because you said;

"It is what we feel that makes the choice. Not the choice to what we feel."

I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over.
Where no one knows my name.
I'm tired of the weather.
I think I'll get a lover.
I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise; I'm tired of the sunset.
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice.
You don't know me, you don't even care.

i think i almost came to save you. you know that point of weakness where you want something to happen. And each time you say it you know exactly what it really means. i want "you" to happen and nothing else. i was this close in offering one of my wings to you so that you could fly well i spiral down into the nothingness again. but this time. it was different. something else happened. but you didn't.

chapter 36 : sane

and maybe just maybe, i have this sick psychotic elatedness while reading your misery. it isn't a retribution i am reading about, well i am not exactly sure anymore. but the thing is, your words of pain soothes certain scars and wounds. i dare say, this is good. but i can't say if it is enough. you will lose this battle. and i will still be standing here to watch it all. this sick cycle spinning around? do you see it? it has been spinning since everything started. since everyone crossed paths. i am insanely inhumanly selfish to the extent that i would rather that no one ends up with anything and that if i have to take the fall, everyone else will take the fall, along with the burnt bridges that i would had personally set on fire. don't get me wrong, i am not asking for anything or anyone or any consolation or any pity. save it. because i rather be run down by the train than empathy over something that cannot be fathomed. how long would i keep this up? not too sure. it is perfecly safe in this realm of sanity. i think i will stay here for the moment.

chapter 35 : miss you love.

Millionaire say
Got a big shot deal
And thrown it all away but
But I'm not too sure
How I'm supposed to feel
Or what I'm supposed to say
But I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
And I miss you love

Make room for the prey
'Cause I'm coming in
With what I wanna say but
It's gonna hurt
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate but...

I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you love

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back

It's just a fad
Part of the teen, teenage angst brigade and
I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm suppose to love you back.

over thinking.

At some point in time you really wish you could be shot. Or rather the act of it sounds good enough. The whole sick cycle of what everyone is chasing after seems pretty clear to me, that no one will ever get what they want in the end. So I comfort myself with the thought that having nothing is good enough. But what is enough? What is ever enough? Maybe it is the same logic, that the act of saying “it is enough” sounds good enough.

Today I saw this child standing at the escalator which was going in the opposite direction, knowing that it is wrong she still stood there. And even when her mother reprimanded her over her actions she still stood there. Does she not speak for all of us? That it is in our nature to do the exact opposite of logic? We challenge the simple things in life, doing the exact opposite, doing what the mainstream think is taboo, doing what we already know is bad. I guess all of us inherited the same tendency from Eve who defied God in the Garden of Eden over the forbidden fruit. In the present day, we burn ourselves to know that it is hot. We drink till we get drunk and make an awful mess of ourselves knowing that our body cannot take it. We sleep with the person we love knowing that when the morning comes he/she would never stay, would never have a future with you, and would never be with you. We smoke knowing that it kills our insides. We get stuck in time and memory waiting for someone that will never know we still exist, that will never know we are still here waiting, that will never know we have not forgotten, that will never know we would do anything for just another season, that will never know we still want them back.

Childlike acts in an adult.
Aren’t we?
We never grow up.
We just grow old.

"And yes. For the record I have done it again.
If only I could tell you what I have been reading and that the only song playing on repeat is causing me to cry. But you would never know and you wouldn't even give a damn about it."

pas du tout.

Bang Bang.

Chapter 34 : Visceral

We are an amazing species.
We bleed to know we are alive and we live.
I believe that our physical body has a mind of its own, it knows when and how it will fall apart, and as it splits it sends a warning to tell you that you cannot endure any longer.

There will be a time where you slide into a depression to weep for your dying self. Somehow the physical body knows and senses the count down of your biological clock to death and it reacts, it weeps unknowingly for this impending arrival of death. I call it the “emotional physical self” reacting.

Why do I keep writing? This is the only way I can leave a part of me in time. It is the only way I can freeze time into these writings, it is the only way to remind others and myself that I was here in time.

I was here.
And I am not doing too good.

Chapter 33 : peculiar

I wanted to write and put together something that I can own… where only these words belong to me. It is an incomplete composition. But it is a start… after taking a long break.

Never known Never own

Since everyone is living with their past
Why can’t I stay there too?
It is safe it is where no one else can come in
The only place where you and I exist

In this looping space I created
I don’t have to worry if I am not good enough

This is my imaginary story
with no end because I control it
This is a script that lost its cast
with scenes made tangible through the heart

To play it back when it started
as one that falls away and parts
Those arms that held the very being
exist today
She is awake.