spun

I made the obvious with you. Everything that I wanted. Is here. With me. For me. Near me.
Yes... hate me for making you hate me. I don't know what the fortune would bring. But haven't I been trying to live for the future for far too long, that I have missed out the present. And that's what you are. Bringing out the best and worse of me. I looked back on certain pictures. And there you were in every photograph of theirs. All pieced into one. Imperfect yes. But so very beautiful. Still. You are.
Recently, I have been tired and exhausted at the speed of living. But all that means I am living at the fullest. Simplicity. We are. There's no the one. You become the one. You make the one, the one.

Just like that.

It's September already.

Just the way i'm feeling. Shuffled.

anathema

Everything seems much easier now with this walk and pace. Unlike those whom tarnish and use, with the kind of lines drawn and scripted. Those figures in character, in words, in songs, in memory, and in all to come, is despised. How ever far, how ever great, now or later, will fall through. Their glory shall be brief and never knowing all that was lost. I look upon that name, not in pride. Even if it were to rise, I shutter at those phony. Chase all that is nothing but the wind. And when the wind dies down, so will they die.

Wild horses couldn't drag me away.
The Rolling Stones - Wild Horses

I didn't realize how unreasonably angry we could be. Not in a sane logical mind. Despite the many restraints we instill upon ourselves. How we bind our hands, heart and mind silently away from the watching eyes of the world and from evil itself. And all humanity can do is let it burn till nothing but remains, remains. Like I said, it is all nothing. But the wind. And all this too, shall pass.

____________________________________________________

On a side note... BayBeats'08 anyone?
Put on some shoes, throw your hair back, kick some sand around, and bring on the live.
Some sticks and stones would be good too.
I'll see you there.

fixate

Wake to sleep.

That's what I read.

Songs are the only familiar medium. To draw back a memory, to bring back words, to relive moments. To remember. I have this subconscious habit to tag certain songs to certain significants. So when ever the play list hits a particular song- flash.

What gets you through exactly. Which weighs. How much do you let in or let go.

I remember about the same time this year, I saw the sun set, along with the vacant blocks in time, and there came that experiment, by the bay. I felt the heat, the pulse. We lived on those jumps, those highs. Believing that it was possible, that all was suppose to be a part of a part.

May I always be a rebel during the same time this year next year.

Only when I hold the wheels of life in my hands do I feel alive.

coeval

There is no plan. There is no sign.
Just knowing that sleeping means waking.

tumble and fall

You know how shit happens? And you don’t understand why it does? But it did. And you are stunned. But you move on? Some how?

Yea… that’s the cycle. And it's on repeat.

So they say “Many things happen for a reason”. But they forgot or intentionally forget the remaining most crucial part of the saying “But you will only see the reason after you survive what happened and after a few months/years/centuries/decades have passed. HAHA.” Ok you get the drift.

I wouldn't have known or believed if anyone had told me that I would be here today in this time and situation in life. Now I understand why certain things fell apart and away. And I am glad it did. Because I get to save and care for someone I love. I get to be at a place at a position at a turning point in life. In my own and in someone else's life.

I took a step back, and took a free fall to see clearly what remains. And there is so much evidence in the nothingness. It was all just a chase for the wind.

thwart

I hold in my hands the last ounce of candor, the intention to liberate, mar…
I turn my gaze to meet the blaze of outlines and sketches in the being, trying, remembering not remembering how faces were plastered on before. It was all a happenstance of the mind. Hazy flashes of yellow and orange, warm colours of familiarity. Ringing laughter’s of ghosts in recollections.The pursuit for a believable spot in reality and humanity, misplaced. With preference now not to be implicit; since similarity is in the consequence. Are we not humans governed by sentiment and stance?

God... you know... my heart.

revelation

I won't be sorry with regards to what I write, wouldn't I be a hypocrite if I did?
I am thankful to the people that understands.
It is time to move on.

remix

Of the past: Why?

Your inner eye has clouded over so much that it's impossible for you to see.
Does any emotion still reside within the depths of your heart?

Having the entire world at your fingertips is that what you consider happiness?

Why? Why do you look up into the lonely heavens

Why? Can't u laugh a little?
I understand this character of you, this disposition that is incapabale of putting anything into words.
What was it that came to be in your sequestered past?

These eyes of yours they refuse to meet the world.

All alone with only the lonely night to cradle you

Is this the warmth that you have come to know?
Why? Why are you so concerned with the way you look?

Why cant you not open your heart a little?
You've been taxed by this heavy burden for so long.

It's time that you learn to accept yourself, have more faith in yourself.
It is those who are free that are stumbling.

It is those who are free that are insecure.
Why? Why do you look up at the lonely sky?

Why can you not laugh even slightly?

I can appreciate this reticent character of yours

You only have to try to believe.

inside my mind

I have absolutely forgotten about my poems I have published on poetry.com, till I received a mail from that site. Looking back... reading back...brings back memories of adolescences. I seem to dig the pessimistic side of things, look beyond sadness for even more sadness… Shakespeare was gay, I’m just grey. As years go by you realize that the definition of things you have given has been constantly changing. What I perceive and wrote about love, life, people and self-invented theories have all become a past. And presently, I have not been writing much. Presently, I am a mess. I don’t have a solid plan to the next step in life, I am petrified, that I do not have any form of precautionary measures if something like this were to come up (again or not). We all know the classic of; “In case of fire, break glass”, but how about “In case of unemployment, break self?” I need something to happen. But the funny thing is I don't know exactly what. I can't shake off this haunting feeling I get. On a side note, I miss Jo. I don't say it but I do. Knowing at night there will be another soul awake, blasting away monsters, raiding the fridge, etc… I guess it is the knowing that makes me feel secure… safe… less alone? He is an alter ego of me (that I silently want to be), he is my pride… knowing that if I don’t make it anywhere in life in this household, he has done it all.
I don’t like me now.

dream within

Free the dream within

The stars are crying a tear

A sigh escapes from heaven

And the world's end

Breathe the dream within

The mystifying

We tremble and spin

Suspended within

Look beyond where hearts can see

Dream in peace

Trust, love, believe

Free the dream within

The voices calling, a song

A prayer from deep inside you

To guide you

Be the dream within

The light is shining

A flame on the wind

Salvation begins

pretenders

The scary thing is the fact that I feel just as sure and certain as I was last year. Once again I am making the same decision I made which sadly I didn't manage to follow through... which I should had... so that I wouldn't need to be here once again. I am pretty sure what I have decided wouldn't affect or change anything. I could just easily be replaced or just be left - voided. It didn't matter to anyone in the first place or for the matter of fact - the previous time.

Back then I didn't realize that I was already at my highest peak and happiest moment doing my own thing. I was already satisfied with the little I had, with the little technical skills I had... Just me and my vulnerable-cheap-low-quality head set and mike... pen and paper... guitar. I was happy being a nobody. I was happy composing songs as a nobody. I was happy performing as an individual. I had my glory. I had everything. I had all that I need.

But I went chasing after something that I thought I belonged.
I thought I was part of it.
I thought the people were real.
But the truth is...
Maybe I belonged as an individual.
Maybe it has just always been on my part to think that I am a part.
Maybe the people were all just hypocrites.

Have I forgotten why I started out in the first place...

I must remember what I said to myself back in 2003.

Joyner,

Please remember...

the perishers

The Perishers - I hope you'll be missing me

You helped them to kill me

That's all that I'm willing to say

You no longer thrill me

All you do now is stand in my way

All they say makes me feel just as safe

I've lost everything that i own

All they say makes me feel awefully blue and alone

I wrote us a song, you weren't singing along

But I hope you'll be missing me too

I held onto too long, I did everything wrong

But I hope you'll be missing me like I will miss you

I wouldn't say I've moved on

I wouldn't say I'm close to ok

Or that you no longer feel me

Or no longer stand in my way

I'm not too proud to admit to you now

That I'm still nothing more than a wreck

I do intend not to pretend til the end

_______________________________________________________

I love the piano riff, it has been replaying itself in my head...

Took me quite awhile to find the lyrics... didn't realize it was not released in any of their albums!

ITunes was on random when it hit this song.

It has been a really long while since i've listened to my old play list eh?

I need to write a new song soon...

With my new instrument.

Ambitious... yes...

Anyone else but you

I like singing this to you... because it is simple... honest... funny... just like that. I could sing it on repeat like a CD on loop. Here's my really short cheesy version of the song...

You'll be the paper and I'll be the rock
We sure are noisy for two simple people
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

I like how you wriggle and pull a face
You dance like a jelly fish without a head
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

I kiss you on your hand when I can't reach your face
I can't carry you cause I might break your legs
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

______________________________

Standing at the Doorway

I was running, gazing at the different shades of green...
The cars pass me by, the street lamps said goodbye, and then it hit.
That flash. That scene. The orange colored street light. The car. That moment. Gone.

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

It's just that everywhere I go
All the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders

The lights go out the same
The only difference is
you call another name

Moved

Imagine a cramp, stuffy, hot stage and weather... surrounding you are just 3 or 4 by-standers and unfamiliar faces of strangers walking pass...
You know it is a bad location and you can't really focus.. moreover you probably have this gut feeling that you are gonna screw up today.
You are looking around one last time for anyone familiar... but knowing full well no one would be there...
But then you saw her.
Standing next to the pillar at a distance... with shades shielding her eyes from the glaring sun.
So familiar... so safe... is what you felt in an instant...
And she's smiling back at you knowing that you have seen her.
It was enough.

respite

Five months. Just like that. It didn't felt like you left me at all. Seeing you again, holding you again felt the same. But within that time frame both of us have changed and grew. I am not the girl that I was before. Distance makes you realize how much you have taken simple gestures for granted. The act of picking up the phone to call. The act of crossing a road. Welcome home Denise. =) I can't wait for our pizza date at Timbre.

Come to think of it, I've done quite a lot within 5 months. Completed my internship, handed up my last thesis for school, had a short trip to Bintan, signed up for driving, did a music video with Tea-L, performed for HSA D&D, worked at ST Electronics, graduated, be a pirate mascot, picked up a new instrument (keyboard), performed (first & last 'live' as Tea-L) at StreetFest'08, preparing for next upcoming live at Fort Canning as Lucille..

What is a proper break?
I think I need it... a proper break.
An escape... a hideout...
Hmm... Sounds like sleep...

the call

It started out as a feeling

Which then grew into a hope

Which then turned into a quiet thought

Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder

'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back

When you call me

No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing

Doesn't mean it's never been this way before

All you can do is try to know who your friends are

As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon

And follow the light

You'll come back when it's over

No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning

It's just a feeling and no one knows yet

But just because they can't feel it too

Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger'

Till they're before your eyes

You'll come back

When they call you

No need to say goodbye

Regina Spektor - The Call

trepidation

What you desire, demand or anticipate from others is an egocentric act.
I have been wrong about many things recently.. And to that I apologize.
It is difficult, when you keep comparing the past to the present, of what you had and what you do not have now. The repercussion of this is what you know that you have lost, and all that is left is the feeling of uncertainty and fear that haunts you. "When fear is nothing but air... why do you still fear?" I keep telling myself that...

We do not have answers to many things in life.
And we will keep breathing in the air.
The mind will forever be a lonely place filled with battles and death.
You win some, and you lose some.
The only saving grace is the memories that were made along the way.

Just keep walking.

Today we perform, and what do performers do?
They act.

intermission

A soundless shift in time occured within these weeks. I find myself not at ease somehow. Uncomfortable perhaps at how surreal things are. Settled. Rarely I am at the state of mind. So to finally be at that state... makes me feel out of place.

Someone said this, "It is your time to enjoy the good stuffs, after going through all those shit." Maybe eh?

This cynical world has really warped up my sense of judgement and skepticism. Unknowingly/Knowingly you psyche your mind constantly everyday (every point in time/moment/second) to built up protective self-barriers (both big or small) so as to not crumble or be disappointed (be it a little/ a lot) or be labelled/seen as weak/childish/immature/sensitive/emo. Therefore the aftermath of this constant psyche/battle of the mind is negativity/disbelief/doubts/insecurity/pessimistic/overthinking. These are flaws that will hunt you everytime something good happens. It becomes your downfall in other areas of your life/character. Unknowingly... knowingly.

I'm living a pretty hectic schedule recently barely have the time to catch up with people. My apologies. But all is well with me, except the fact that I've barely got sufficient rest and alone-time. =( . If I could have 12 hours of undisturbed sleep... I'll be jumping off the roof! Ok ok... wishful thinking. Time seems to be running out on me these days. Do you feel that sometimes?

I wrote this to get me going (self-pep-talk), hope it motivates; "Forgive and forget all your yesterdays in order to live a better day, today. Live the present, a moment at a time. Seek to do the important things first, worry less to do more. Remember to breathe while your at it."

I'm still very much happy my dear significant. Simplicity at it's simplest. There is no math to it. Just open answers.


There is no rush, as we have all the time in the world to show them ours. One step at a time.

Just like that.

Alright?