I don’t want you to know what this means so holding back and keeping it in is how I turn the blade inward and leave the war within. Not taking it out. You’ve got nothing to prove. It isn’t you that I’m fighting it is me. I’ve done this to myself and it is lonely here. It is easy for some to shut down their spirals but I know this is my path I need to take to figure it out. At the end of the spiral, what do I see? Do I finally see myself at the core. You’ve shown me the short cuts but my legs and heart refuse to take them. So I lay here using this tension as writing materials. 

The last five years have not given me a chance to breathe and make sense of all the transitions, loss, traumas and discovery of self and new needs. The lines are tested. I didn’t realize I could remove them. What I knew have fallen like sandcastles at the beach. There’s where I want to be.