Leaning on this cold steel, she deserved it 

Who is this tearing on the train after talking about imposters 

She is and she knows it doesn’t leave after all this time it really hasn’t 

But it would had been a comfort to hear it from you on what you had to say 

Either she will laugh or roll her eyes it just isn’t the same if it’s not you 

Putting out fires as she held her breath to fight it while taking in the smokes 

Knowing the end of it would be a reward that made it worth going 

But she wasn’t prepared for company not now not this time 

All she wanted; was you. 

The steps the walk was longer 

Maybe stumbling is not walking 

It is just not the same 

Putting a foot in front of the other was heavier 

Unable to go faster without falling off the edge

So yesterday was an indemnity  

Not knowing you needed saving 

Honesty became a scarcity

How could she save when she needed saving 

 How did I come up in your mind when the music played or when the words hit your mouth 

Did you see me in the screens or it felt like a familiar scene 

When the wait lingered longer in our minds and it was special during the in between 

Did it felt the same where you are in the moment and only one that comes to mind who would get it at the level it hits

Would it be safe to share this or would you implode like back in Millenia how it all unravels differently where my response would be another chaos

But I hope it didn’t wreck the image of me if I left you with songs and that is how you remember me by I guess it wasn’t so bad after all. 

 I like how I can escape being me even if it is just for a while

The little unknown mix of vices and play 

The revealing yet holding back 

Looking back at night while moving forward in the day 

A contrast to everything and yet nothing at the same time 

 Maybe we need to sink a little to swim. You held me down to breathe through the pain. 

What is this, are you the fool; fooling yourself. 

You catch yourself holding your breath under water a little too dangerously long. 

This sudden drop with other intangibles, like impulse and punches. Maybe this time, time broke and why not. 

The questions and soundboards made everything interestingly curious. There’s nothing but just my mind scripting downplaying. 

Take a walk and don’t stop, it might just be the only way to keep going on. The need for the lungs to gasp, the heart to not arrest. 86 billion traffic between my head. It’s too loud. 

It isn’t easy. 

Don’t tell me. 

You thought those won’t be triggers anymore. 

You thought it won’t hurt anymore. 

But it does. 

And today. You’re not ok. 

How could you think; you of all people had sacrificed and done it all? 

You who had your hands on my neck. 

Some days. 

Like today. 

I feel submerged under water. 

And I can’t breathe. 

Or maybe it has been like this for the longest time. I can’t seem to get out of this spiral this time round. 

 Do you know what hurts? 

When you ask for things like a mandate. 

Leaving no room for discussion and your needs demanded to be met. Regardless of my input or questions. Questions that came from a place of brainstorming for solutions.  

Maybe you weren’t taught. 

But you always have a way to show hospitality to strangers and their conveniences over mine. 

The only calls I get from you are self serving. Never about my wellbeing but yours. 

My prayer? 

To be loved by you. 

And not be your consolation.