Almost fell for that self absorption again

Remembering those one liners out of the blue used to derail my life at which ever point I might be 

But not this time 

They do not change and I do not feel they deserve a reply 

They could sing about their hits and misses but mine would be left unpublished 

How the rich could not understand the sad meaning of a show; ultimately portraying fiction into reality. Isn’t it ironic?  

Original quote "Even when cancer was in retreat, it cast long shadows." 

 Amended quote by me "Even when death was in retreat, it cast long shadows." 

As I read this sentence it made me re-read a couple of times and think about death. The imminent end for all of us is death and we have subconsciously accepted it as we go about living. But we never really did slow down often enough to think about it. 

It seems like long shadows for now, but it gets shorter and then soon the shadow will become one with us in time. 

What truly scares us instead of death; Fear of the painful process in dying and losing behind loved ones precious to you. 

So we do not stop making plans.

Maybe in the absence of any certainty, we should assume that we're going to live a long time. Maybe that's the only way forward.

"Youth is wasted on the young" 

I really get that now. 

The strength, stamina and energy

To strive and perfect your consistency in the daily routines

Having the knowledge now which I didn’t know then 

Yet coming back to similar acceptance 

That adults are still not as responsible as what you think.

Same fight or flight responses 

Sides to stand for or represent 

Playground tactics that never died actually. 

We built a tent
To keep your childhood alive and protect you from the outside
Now this space belongs to us
It is safe it is where no one else exist

Time and space is officially yours my love.

We start from scratch today. An easy reset by changing the codes.

I am floating as I walk

Soft and light 

Much more bearable than the usual clarity 

Could it be that when we were younger we were not sceptical
The unseen battle of good and evil was right next to us
Darkness trying to capture our vulnerable minds by whispering to us at night
If they know us by name and all of our ways we are an open book in this war
Our only defence is having a strong and stable foundation continuously reinforced
To not be alone or sleep before the night gets too dark
For us to not be caught up in the hectic of daily routines and forget that this is all still very new and curious for them
Let us not forget how big everything is to them and their emotions are so raw and pure
If I didn’t had words or this page I don’t know if I would had still exist or made it this far
I can only do my best to be present and praying for you.

A little blood was drawn today, truth in the blood or the degrees?
Are you reacting to stress?
Giving off the signs of annoyance and distress.
I know.
Ripping the plaster was more painful.

The fear of being wrong was so powerful
Gripped with regrets of how I would had wanted to back track
Preparing my defense and explanation
Feeling sick of doing so much to be slapped

Push and pull routines
Never gets old like gravity
Maybe one day you fear that it doesn’t happen like before
Or what you imagined seem impossible

Opening and closing that metal door I can still smell the rust 

Bending down looking in to make sure it wasn’t missed 

Sometimes reaching in just to feel that void 

Finally when you arrive I hold on to you excitedly yet cautious knowing that once I lay my eyes on you that whole magic and ritual would end 

What I became so obsessed with and even a little proud of would just... be. 

So I delay that process, I pretend you did not arrive

Until I am ready

Ready to be made vulnerable 

Pouring my heart out hoping it still speaks to you and you would respond again 

Just a piece of paper you think 

It was more than that 

They will never experience the real meaning of the wait. 

If you had pointed and said “that would be important”. 

If you had lifted it up and said “let’s get it”. 

Would it had been enough? 

What difference would it make?

Darting eyes, a quiet fear broadly spoken, a change in colour was all it took 

Another spin on the unimportant, an awakening to take a deep dive on how sick we truly are 

Now what you see is something from the movies

But it is here and now to stay 

The beautiful thing about today’s technology you get to see real time statistics. I see you. Numbers and graphics giving me a breakdown of everything. The locations of where individuals reside, whether they were accidental or intentional and if they had stayed long enough to understand or relate.

Is what I am seeing real or am I just interpreting what I want to think is real.

They say I am unwell, point and shoot procedures. But I feel fine. Numbers game did you rig it to let me get out of there. Is the mind not catching up with how the body feels again? A lapse or something missing again.

How do you decipher something your body feels but You do not.

Which is real? And whose to say the other is not?

Holo

You can’t sleep.
Because something is calling out to you.
A subtle nudge.
A curious pull.
You turn the pages back and forth.
Looking, reading, searching, wondering...
What did you missed?
Is this what they call it
Grieving an unknown death
Or checking The Coffin to find the body

Did you return here to examine the void
To find a hint and leave some ink
Make it known that you left your shoes by the door
Turning the knob you enter feeling the cold quiet heaviness sinking in
Like an old embrace and a solemn kiss
Maybe comfort is sought in darkness
When darkness was exposed to the world
You know it too well
It’s all coming back.

It is a different mountain to climb now that you are older. How easy it was to write out your version of the truth the way you wanted to see it back then. How dangerous the world could had been if you were not careful enough. Maybe being so caught up in your own pain and darkness made everything else unclear which protected you from greater harm and regrets. If you could had felt so much then, wouldn't she have that same chance of feeling all that too when it is her turn? Could it be a lot worse? And that would be even scarier than what you had went through. You had literature, words, songs and you were disconnected from the world. With simpler human beings as strangers with lesser motives and complications. 

Another stock take of the here and now. How you have to make another decision to change the gear of your life and its direction. How did you break this time? The demands? The expectations? The exhaustion? The fall? The hospital? The paralyzing guilt and fear of being absolutely out of your depth? You drowned and hated every minute in that building with all those puppets. How did you end up here again?

Reading back on written words and drafts, how they meant so much and made so much sense back then. And how it does not mean a thing in the present. The ephipany you thought was mind blowing or awakening seems like childish thoughts and mottos you stringed up to move along. What a fool. I am embarrassed. But I had lived. The wrongs and rights all of which I am accountable for I do not deny nor regret. Each chapter threw me along further into the future. 

I am glad to see how life had turned out for me and the person I had become. I hope it had been the same for all those I had left behind. 

The simple act of sitting in a train by the window looking out at the fields passing by. No skyscrapers or towering shelters. Just fields and tracks. Nothing higher than the eyes can see. I watch the world go by. I am here. The sun is warm today. I'm reading and looking up at the changing scenes. 

She woke up into a life that she had never envisioned. After years of questioning the living and breaking down wrong doors, even shattered windows she climbed through on all fours. Unknowingly she walked through the darkest portal filled with numerous trials and tribulations, funerals and rebirth. The stars aligned and with the right amount of force it pushed her through the last hurdle into the greatest unknown. 

It was different. The most unique of them all. The kind that while collecting death's certificate you smile and in love's loss there is an ironic insider joke. A really good one. 

Here's to the one that stayed. 

"When a vacuum form, something has to come along to fill it." 

"He does not exist here, with me, but flesh that does not exist will never die, and promises unmade are never broken."