Maybe we need to sink a little to swim. You held me down to breathe through the pain. 

What is this, are you the fool; fooling yourself. 

You catch yourself holding your breath under water a little too dangerously long. 

This sudden drop with other intangibles, like impulse and punches. Maybe this time, time broke and why not. 

The questions and soundboards made everything interestingly curious. There’s nothing but just my mind scripting downplaying. 

Take a walk and don’t stop, it might just be the only way to keep going on. The need for the lungs to gasp, the heart to not arrest. 86 billion traffic between my head. It’s too loud. 

It isn’t easy. 

Don’t tell me. 

You thought those won’t be triggers anymore. 

You thought it won’t hurt anymore. 

But it does. 

And today. You’re not ok. 

How could you think; you of all people had sacrificed and done it all? 

You who had your hands on my neck. 

Some days. 

Like today. 

I feel submerged under water. 

And I can’t breathe. 

Or maybe it has been like this for the longest time. I can’t seem to get out of this spiral this time round. 

 Do you know what hurts? 

When you ask for things like a mandate. 

Leaving no room for discussion and your needs demanded to be met. Regardless of my input or questions. Questions that came from a place of brainstorming for solutions.  

Maybe you weren’t taught. 

But you always have a way to show hospitality to strangers and their conveniences over mine. 

The only calls I get from you are self serving. Never about my wellbeing but yours. 

My prayer? 

To be loved by you. 

And not be your consolation. 

 I used to write songs.

But they were prices I paid in my human attempt to seal a little piece of me in time. Like Voldemort. I get why he did what he did. 

Even if I do not fully understand it now of what it was that I was trying so hard to keep. A reminder of a scar in time that I had lived. 

 If I was brought back to 2013, what would I want to flip? I couldn't bring forward an event that I wanted you there. I wouldn't be able to save you or keep you here longer. What could I change? 

Recently, we talked about time travelling.

Would I want to be 7 again or would I want to know how and when I die. 

If I cannot control the uncertainties or deviances going back to 7 and if any change in my decision might remove the chance of meeting you then I rather not risk it at all. Now that I am older, I believe things that were bound to happen will, it cannot be avoided or delayed too long, it will hit the same spot in time again. 

So, no. I do not believe that I can survive it all again. I choose to know when and how I will go. 

 

It’s the first time I missed a year. 2023.

I’m still here. 

The recent health scare shook me. 

For the first time in a long while, I felt the long shadows of death looming close behind. 

I thought this is it. This is how I will go. Cancer. 

And suddenly wanting to live was the only thing I wanted. More time. I wanted more time. To do all the to do’s, I will do it later, next year, or the following, next time; all those invisible list we earmarked for the future. But why and how were we so certain that THAT future consist of us still being there? 

What audacity. 

What a fool. 

This year. Today. Now. I’m doing them now. 

I think a lot of people have forgotten their words they left behind on the web 

Little spaces they created, sometimes revealing too much of themselves or too little

I found links to cyber tombstones where there are no virtual flowers for me to leave behind

Maybe my visit will leave a ping in their stat 

Suddenly 2008 seems so far away now 

Rewatching shows from the past triggers many childish decisions and statements made  

But it was the only coping mechanism available with the limited resources on hand I had to deal the best way I know how 

Everyone was using something or someone, because youth is wasted on the young and we were all lonely in the real world. 

Reborn again 

If that was possible 

I would take on those roles and immerse all emotions and physical body into that art 

With each script who I am changes 

Creating behaviours and moments to fit the character 

Would I have met a stunning piece and be blown by their charisma 

Would then the lines be blurred 

And you fall into a dangerous credit 

How I wish I could reach out and be different from the 10 million

Thinking that you would reach back 

And maybe have a conversation while laughing over a bottle 

Then the day ends and we are back practising for the next scene 

During the readings, with blood rush into cheeks moments because of the night before you wait for the next encounter to lap up the electrifying tension 

 Songs are personal to the writer

They tell their truth 

Each string of sentence 

Without revealing names and detailed plots 

You only get the hits and misses 

Scratching the surface of pure speculation 

But you don’t know exactly who or what they are referring to when they wrote what they did 

The whys 

You will never know 

 I feel inspired when I walk alone 

Things slow down around me 

And little things comes into greater focus 

Walking in between shadows 

Watching dry leaves dance in circles 

Everyone around on mute 

Moving through my own soundtrack 

Reaching out to feel the leaves between my fingers 

I'm still here 

Almost fell for that self absorption again

Remembering those one liners out of the blue used to derail my life at which ever point I might be 

But not this time 

They do not change and I do not feel they deserve a reply 

They could sing about their hits and misses but mine would be left unpublished 

How the rich could not understand the sad meaning of a show; ultimately portraying fiction into reality. Isn’t it ironic?  

Original quote "Even when cancer was in retreat, it cast long shadows." 

 Amended quote by me "Even when death was in retreat, it cast long shadows." 

As I read this sentence it made me re-read a couple of times and think about death. The imminent end for all of us is death and we have subconsciously accepted it as we go about living. But we never really did slow down often enough to think about it. 

It seems like long shadows for now, but it gets shorter and then soon the shadow will become one with us in time. 

What truly scares us instead of death; Fear of the painful process in dying and losing behind loved ones precious to you. 

So we do not stop making plans.

Maybe in the absence of any certainty, we should assume that we're going to live a long time. Maybe that's the only way forward.

"Youth is wasted on the young" 

I really get that now. 

The strength, stamina and energy

To strive and perfect your consistency in the daily routines

Having the knowledge now which I didn’t know then 

Yet coming back to similar acceptance 

That adults are still not as responsible as what you think.

Same fight or flight responses 

Sides to stand for or represent 

Playground tactics that never died actually. 

We built a tent
To keep your childhood alive and protect you from the outside
Now this space belongs to us
It is safe it is where no one else exist

Time and space is officially yours my love.

We start from scratch today. An easy reset by changing the codes.

I am floating as I walk

Soft and light 

Much more bearable than the usual clarity 

Could it be that when we were younger we were not sceptical
The unseen battle of good and evil was right next to us
Darkness trying to capture our vulnerable minds by whispering to us at night
If they know us by name and all of our ways we are an open book in this war
Our only defence is having a strong and stable foundation continuously reinforced
To not be alone or sleep before the night gets too dark
For us to not be caught up in the hectic of daily routines and forget that this is all still very new and curious for them
Let us not forget how big everything is to them and their emotions are so raw and pure
If I didn’t had words or this page I don’t know if I would had still exist or made it this far
I can only do my best to be present and praying for you.

A little blood was drawn today, truth in the blood or the degrees?
Are you reacting to stress?
Giving off the signs of annoyance and distress.
I know.
Ripping the plaster was more painful.