Do you know what hurts?
When you ask for things like a mandate.
Leaving no room for discussion and your needs demanded to be met. Regardless of my input or questions. Questions that came from a place of brainstorming for solutions.
Maybe you weren’t taught.
But you always have a way to show hospitality to strangers and their conveniences over mine.
The only calls I get from you are self serving. Never about my wellbeing but yours.
My prayer?
To be loved by you.
And not be your consolation.
I used to write songs.
But they were prices I paid in my human attempt to seal a little piece of me in time. Like Voldemort. I get why he did what he did.
Even if I do not fully understand it now of what it was that I was trying so hard to keep. A reminder of a scar in time that I had lived.
If I was brought back to 2013, what would I want to flip? I couldn't bring forward an event that I wanted you there. I wouldn't be able to save you or keep you here longer. What could I change?
Recently, we talked about time travelling.
Would I want to be 7 again or would I want to know how and when I die.
If I cannot control the uncertainties or deviances going back to 7 and if any change in my decision might remove the chance of meeting you then I rather not risk it at all. Now that I am older, I believe things that were bound to happen will, it cannot be avoided or delayed too long, it will hit the same spot in time again.
So, no. I do not believe that I can survive it all again. I choose to know when and how I will go.
It’s the first time I missed a year. 2023.
I’m still here.
The recent health scare shook me.
For the first time in a long while, I felt the long shadows of death looming close behind.
I thought this is it. This is how I will go. Cancer.
And suddenly wanting to live was the only thing I wanted. More time. I wanted more time. To do all the to do’s, I will do it later, next year, or the following, next time; all those invisible list we earmarked for the future. But why and how were we so certain that THAT future consist of us still being there?
What audacity.
What a fool.
This year. Today. Now. I’m doing them now.
I think a lot of people have forgotten their words they left behind on the web
Little spaces they created, sometimes revealing too much of themselves or too little
I found links to cyber tombstones where there are no virtual flowers for me to leave behind
Maybe my visit will leave a ping in their stat
Suddenly 2008 seems so far away now
Rewatching shows from the past triggers many childish decisions and statements made
But it was the only coping mechanism available with the limited resources on hand I had to deal the best way I know how
Everyone was using something or someone, because youth is wasted on the young and we were all lonely in the real world.
Reborn again
If that was possible
I would take on those roles and immerse all emotions and physical body into that art
With each script who I am changes
Creating behaviours and moments to fit the character
Would I have met a stunning piece and be blown by their charisma
Would then the lines be blurred
And you fall into a dangerous credit
How I wish I could reach out and be different from the 10 million
Thinking that you would reach back
And maybe have a conversation while laughing over a bottle
Then the day ends and we are back practising for the next scene
During the readings, with blood rush into cheeks moments because of the night before you wait for the next encounter to lap up the electrifying tension
Songs are personal to the writer
They tell their truth
Each string of sentence
Without revealing names and detailed plots
You only get the hits and misses
Scratching the surface of pure speculation
But you don’t know exactly who or what they are referring to when they wrote what they did
The whys
You will never know
Original quote "Even when cancer was in retreat, it cast long shadows."
Amended quote by me "Even when death was in retreat, it cast long shadows."
As I read this sentence it made me re-read a couple of times and think about death. The imminent end for all of us is death and we have subconsciously accepted it as we go about living. But we never really did slow down often enough to think about it.
It seems like long shadows for now, but it gets shorter and then soon the shadow will become one with us in time.
What truly scares us instead of death; Fear of the painful process in dying and losing behind loved ones precious to you.
So we do not stop making plans.
Maybe in the absence of any certainty, we should assume that we're going to live a long time. Maybe that's the only way forward.
"Youth is wasted on the young"
I really get that now.
The strength, stamina and energy
To strive and perfect your consistency in the daily routines
Having the knowledge now which I didn’t know then
Yet coming back to similar acceptance
That adults are still not as responsible as what you think.
Same fight or flight responses
Sides to stand for or represent
Playground tactics that never died actually.
