If it wasn't no. That driver would have taken a journey into the paid unknown, no more red lights on just a routine drill. The door clicks open into a four second mystery with solids plastered against walls and the rise and fall amplified. Beyond reach desire escalates as lights are useless with cards never making their way to where they belong. Shaking hands and force triggers a rocket absorbing gravity, intensifying speed and resonance for the final shatter. A swift deferral before hitting the ground.  

Magical mixed tapes. According to fluctuating moods. I picked sleep and weed, an attempt to drift away for just a bit. We connect because we relate to words and music.

With my ears plugged I walked through a world without sound, strangers with their mouth open wide and gestures of expression. Neither stopping nor offering any contact.

Happily lost in a whimsical world of my own.

No longer looking for spectacular. Just plain ordinary. Like the unwritten pages of notebooks.

Another title to begin, another role to fill. Doesn't speak volumes nor any relation to what was. Just a way.

Maybe problems four years ago are still relevant.

That look and gaze. Sunlight streaming through the window she leans in and disappears.

It's this tingling... Small warmth of happiness that tells me it's all okay.

From black to grey, a different pace and another life. You built a little island of heaven which I now understand. Away from me. Because we live better that way.

Give yourself away to the keepers.

Another closing. The decorations are up but that exquisite flavor is gone. Running his hand through his hair wondering when it was the last time since he had sat down to watch the world pass while sipping on a nice familiar bitter sweet after taste.

The story of how he came to love the drink and season was a funny one. It reminded him of an episode in his life.

He smiles at the sign and walks away...

Maybe one day.

I will never forget you.

I accept myself for the love I accept.

You don't remember writing all that. But you feel infinite today, this morning, last night. That's what alcohol does, makes you brave to say exactly what is on your mind. Unfiltered words. Honest, offending but real.

You haven't spoken as much as you did last night... Shocking but how often does that happen anymore.

Time has taught you well. Removing yourself from those dark paths you no longer thread or need to find out. You found the ultimate release of your soul.. Not a lost wanderer anymore.

I can go on now... Without knowing.

If I die...

I have no regrets.

Today I gave a little bit of me away.

It was a prick, then a jab, just like that and I'm in a pack. Liquid. Red. Fresh. Warm. What we are all made up of. I feel lighter and a sudden burst of meaning floods my senses. To live is to give, and we will never stop giving ourselves away.

I hope that this pack will be usable and helpful to the anonymous recipient. Funny, I think it will contribute more intimately than I could. Who ever you are... Be bless.

Rain. Pours and cleans. Runs sheets of water across where you have been.

Failure reiterates that you will have to use it to make your next work more spectacular. Individuality at its best without the weight of others incompetence. You use to think that the mind gets broader but recently with your lack of words made you doubt.

Listening again on old tracks, brings back faces and all the foolish thoughts and experiments. I knew the disasters and how fleeting it will all be. So that I could write. I tested theories. Of thinking and not feeling. The unturned stones. The forest and the uncut trees. The phenomenon minimal days out of the three-hundred-sixty-five.

It will be just as quiet when I leave. 

As it was when I first got here. 

I don't expect anything.

You didn't chose. It just happened. You can't push nor deny this. The future would not have the chance to write itself out now as it is.

So keep walking and leave it to the Gods.

Castles of papers surrounds me. Anxiously waiting for me to run my eyes and hands through them. It is safe here. Behind words and ridiculous thoughts that I can experiment with on this platform without resonance despite the cacophony within. Characters could be created or slain, at the mercy of my whimsical fancy and judgement. I will not be removed from here.

Fiercely she writes about the corporate giant with their pages of self righteous gibberish...

Don't we all just like to deny what we really want and feel. Being practical or delusional?

There's this one place you return to where you would feel that short dose of absolute peace. It has an immediate calming effect. Letting it take over and within that few seconds... maybe just maybe heal your wounds. Probably it is your only way of apologizing for what you could not do, fulfill, or commit. Somehow just being there, standing there made you feel a part of it all over again. An escape from your reality. You step out slightly refreshed ready to take on the world and it's unexpected blows again.

Threads. Fine thin alignments. Counting down the days.

Life is made up of those moments where you took control and decided, to take that plunge. As you breathe in the first release of pure adrenaline, you know you got it right and good. Makes you feel like a rock star doing a body surf.

Hello... First October.

Would she remember me?

The best part about acting? You become anybody.

Started out thinking that the number of words required would be too much to cover. But then when you realize your only left with twenty three you are amazed... How did that happen?

I've searched everywhere and realized that they have ceased its production. There goes another thing I like. Everything you liked, made, to be replaced.

一个人，不可能。

一个人我在沮丧
一个人走在路上
泪流下那么荒唐
分手当初是我在逞强
一个人对谁嚣张
一个人为谁而忙
我懂了你没反抗
是因为我不够坚强
只是我一个人 一个人不可能
不可能有多快乐我承认
从前是两个人 两个人多认真
一年后却像两个陌生人
只是我一个人 一个人不可能
不可能有多快乐我承认
想回到两个人 认真的两个人
一个人没有方向
一个人闷得发慌
谁懂得我的疯狂
谁会一直在我的身旁
一个人该怎么样
一个人一个人唱
天冷了你还好吗
明天是不是会晴朗
只是我一个人 一个人不可能
从前是两个人 两个人多认真
不可能有多快乐我承认
一年后却像两个陌生人
只是我一个人 一个人不可能
不可能有多快乐我承认
想回到两个人 认真的两个人
一个人 一个人不可能
不可能有多快乐多温热
再习惯一个人 一个人再认真
认真也不能让幸福成真
一个人一个人不可能
不可能有两个人的灵魂
等待另一个人 爱的另一个人

Have you said it today?

I miss you.
I love you.
I remember you.
I think of you.

All within a second, this opportunity may never come your way again.

Have you said it?

Walked away from the tree... Stepping on dried leaves disappearing under my feet.

Restrained to refresh. Contemplating for the insights to those thoughts. Have they noticed the sudden surge in statistics fired up with desperate encryptions.

A little less. It was pouring today.

Sometimes.

Silence is not silent. What are we keeping out with all these controls.

It's been seven years writing here.Today I picture my tranquil self lying in a coffin ready for its cremation. What will be of this page. Will I be remembered for who I really am and how I have treated all those that have crossed my path. Would they know what I was trying to narrate.

The difficulty in emotions is honesty. Even now. My hands are tied and my mouth gagged. Writing helps me forget yet remember the delicate scars as I fumble around the pages. What is it am I searching for. Will we get the answer?

Another nightmare. Absence. Crashing like a tidal wave. Dragging out to sea. Too afraid to show. Stranded.

"Remember me..." she shakes and pleads.

Frantically I ransacked my memory bank, earnestly I tried to pull out or pin point a reference point...yet I could not. Blank. Black. Static. What have I forgotten that my mind fiercely protects from recalling.

I thought words could unveil but it did more than that. Closing your eyes, your heart contracts and breathing made difficult. How can this be.

"Leave the suit, heels, blackberry and your hair behind." She said. Fine. I muttered under my breath. She stripped me bare and cut my locks mocking me with her eyes through the mirror.

Out the door I was thrown. That was the first time I tasted pure freedom and dust in my mouth.

Just a little bruised..

Would being together with everyone be greedy.

How would the conversation start? Do you state what is no longer there or reiterate what is now?

A hermit. Yes, that is what you became. Because it is easier to watch and anticipate.

I stepped out to take in the fresh breeze from the harbour. The indoor building is suffocating and cold.

How did I get washed ashore? Barefoot and wild... Alone.

Religion is fluid.

Reading backwards is tracing foot prints.

All that is left are words on this screen.

Where should I begin.

Keeping an eye on the world

So many thousands of feet off the ground

I'm at home in the clouds

Towering over your head.

The weather was brilliant that day.  

You are my sweetest downfall.

They belonged in pairs

Gold and alive

Those facades, they trigger the familiar

In scent or sound

I seem to be passing by our playground pretty often these days

Looking for that memorable gift 

It was worth it

Then. 

 

 

Something I wrote in 2009...

yes.
it seems to be that way now that i reflect
i couldnt speed up or force it to happen
so i just went by each day as per normal
i always feel that there would be about 10 days (or more) out of the 365 days in a year of your life that really awesome/special/meant to happen things...would just happen.
so about 300over days are just normal.
but the selected minimal number of days....are what you have been waiting for.
they could be mistakes"...or someone new....
but it was jus bound to happen.
and i'm glad for that.

I find myself freeze as I linger on that page.

The lines are blur again. It's hard to decipher the truth with a mix of blood and gold. Remember how you felt when you had a paper cut? Doesn't hurt when you don't see it, hurts when you do.

Know it doesn't make sense for such a drastic change in view of past records, but for now I just want to settle into something for at least the next year make it three even.

The truth is it does not matter what anymore just where and how.

Because it will all boils down to the same conclusion which I am fully aware. Almost anything can be learnt just whether if your in the right place, time and opportunity.

Let's see shall we, time will tell and that's all I have to gamble with.

Ultimately you are the master of your decisions but at the mercy of the unknown.

Like a vacation. At ease.

Don't be important for a change.
After playing with physics to test out work life balance there is no balance. Only either extremes and rewards or regrets.

You thought that you would die. That the pain would eat you up, your heart would cease beating and your lungs would cave in. You would never fully understand why you made those decisions but the ripple effect of its consequence has been written on that dashboard. Still on the outside looking into an ongoing experiment, tempted to fiddle with the instruments yet holding back to write the results.

These rides while listening to old records made me reflective, what a fool. Right back where we started. All that in search of this very same quietness. What a chase, was it a waste?

Where to next...

Full moon sways.

Did you return here and wonder about all the could haves and near misses? Or try to decipher what I am trying to share exclusively to you that only you may understand. Stumbling upon recent materials I guess my theories have rolled itself out on your pages. The only constant in life is change. It is evident that the happiness was short lived and my heart goes out to the innocent one even before and now. Mistakes should never be the excuse of creation.

If it was the finale. All I could think of was one non human being.

Have you reached a point where you absolutely, do not hate someone but your mouth and mind is unable to articulate anything. No don't even go there. How about the act of just sliding your finger across the screen to pick up. You cannot even will yourself to do that without having tears welling up.

The loss accumulated could not even make up that mere strength anymore.

Too raw.

Even now.

Mixed and thrown. Aren't we all replaceable. Again, you find yourself hostage in this matrix. But enough you thought, be the delinquent, because you already know the pathetic role of the victim.

Your perfection smothered yourself and despite proving your worth repeatedly, what was left of you? Where are you now?

You are not meant to be trapped in a box, take a hiatus, find yourself again and remember never to be someone else's option or convenience.

I am not permanent.

Coffee

The phone finally rang. But all you could do or what ever that is left of you to do was watch it ring itself out while the flashback took over. Because you have lost your words and speaking is alien. The disappoint was far too grievous and the gash too deep.

It has been one month three days. This call came too late.

What was, will never be again.

We are alike. Without family you thrived on with nothing, living with minimal material needs, like a gypsy traveling light and free.

You are fortunate that's what you are constantly reminding me.

It will be alright.

Tonight these written words have hit hard, shaking and trembling every pages of thoughts that were thought of. Each entry is like a time capsule which carefully threads the specific story to it.

Here I am in a different place on my own, starting from scratch all over again, like I have pressed a reset button.

Simple greetings you would have asked even if it is just a question intentionally left on this site. Technology have taken distance and conversations onto further unnoticeable impairment.

Forgetting made convenient.

But you hope even the trivial of hope that someone out there reminisce and finds you here writing... still.

I left this mountain and felt my bruised heart healed a little bit more.

The act of giving is the ultimate gift to your soul.

I feel ready to begin again...

Where have dreams went?

Spin they did in their glory days.

Those brilliant colours have faded along with time.

Where have my pictures gone?

This fury is potent. Everything is set ablaze.

I know that this will be the only decision that I will regret for the rest of my life.

I had to make that choice to give you away, not because i did not love you anymore but I loved you so much to want you to have a better life than me, so I let you go. You have suffered enough with me.

There is not one moment in a day that I will not think about you. Everyday I am constantly reminded of what I could not do, do not have and will never have.

I wish you well, I wish you love, forever in all the days of your life.

You are the best I will ever have.

I will never keep another.

Every time I see his picture...I die a little more each day.

Pray.

For all of this to end.

the only thing left which was taken away because you had to make that choice.

Patiently. Waiting for a death, to hold an official funeral.

Only then will you have all the right in the world to cry.

For you do not know how much I've been through.

So you will never know all that was left unspoken.

Once awhile in a day... I will allow myself to think of you.

Like we were the victims of this unseen tragedy.

This occurrence is rare and equally quick that a tourniquet is not required.

I am glad.

You don't belong here.

Things that I never wanted, made me want.

The right will evoke these stones.

Overturning everything I would ever known.

It was clearly understood.

If things end prematurely or doesn't go as planned, it just means that every chapter has its time to die.

So pack up and leave victoriously as the curtain falls, as the stage no longer belongs to you.

The Orange Sun

The orange sun I saw with you at dusk
Making a face about to cry, the big farewell.

Watching your innocent face
As you played in the glimmering waves.
Running all over the beach barefoot,
How I adored you.

Your name we wrote in the sand,
And the shells we adorned it with,
Shoulder to shoulder
We watched as the waves wiped it away before us.

The blue sky, slows it's breathing,
To embrace the red setting sun
As I too held you, I closed my eyes.

All the joys and sadnesses,
The countless encounters and partings
Just as it did back then,
The orange sun oversees them all.

Back then we dreamed of an eternity
Laughing, we held each other for so long.

It's stunning how much I think of you.
That's all I needed to satisfy myself.
Don't cry, We can meet again anytime,
Just by closing our eyes...

Her strength emits through her petite build, I must like her as I see similar shadows bouncing off her and what I desire to be as a grown individual. Confident, stunning and graceful. Especially when she smiles.

A realization hits and she uproots.

Time slip.

You are.

The waves hits the boat hard, causing multiple explosions all around like fireworks from each impact. I look out at the endless ocean while feeling the rise and fall, took deep a breath to let it out.

The lingering thought of how quick I could feel and change throughout the seasons of my life. The intensity of each impact to how I feel like this boat against the waves.

I have lived long enough to know that one should not speak too quick as out of the mouth are unreliable words.

Wait.

Just wait it out. What ever you thought mattered won't matter so much, what ever you felt won't feel so much.

That's what time does.

Getaway; to walk a little further.

Taking flight with a shattered heart.

Both your individual pursuits of happiness would have saved us from your silent misery.

I conclude.

She cried.

That front at the dining table crumbled. So vulnerable she became as she listened to herself speak.

Those narrative words as if it weren't her story. Conflicting emotions of past trauma to present shards of truth.

The whole shredded picture finally falling into frame.

You are still alive.

It was a good talk...

I understand that I cannot will you to understand certain things now but I believe in time when you meet a similar situation you will truly comprehend the entanglement and struggle.

It's true that feelings are true/real for the moment. Likewise moments will change. All things will pass. We are hostage to time, in the dilemma to live in the moment and yet struggle to how we will live/be in the future.

We are only human.

Walking on Air

Today, is another day. But the exhaustion doesn't seem to wear off from all my yesterday's.

I'm glad that she came over last night, it's like our little therapy. Unloading all the heaviness in life for just a bit.

Laughing off the hurtful parts with silly comparisons to make things matter less than it really should.

She's caught in a sinking ship.
I am caught in spider webs.

Caught. We are unable to hit the ground like we should to feel the immediate-intense impact.

Hanging in mid-air; waiting.

Walking on air.

It was cold and empty. No body in that household understood the definition of family. The furnitures portrayed each's demolition, bruises, isolation and escape.

The hole in the door. The near death strangulation on the day bed. The break down at the kitchen cabinet. The slammed doors.

Ghosts.

Wake up.

It is time.

Like a spell. That moment is no longer. Until the next occurrence.

Time could fade out whimsical colours and decadence.

All that's left is a sketch.

I like to believe that there many Em & Dex characters all around the world and that we are just one of them. Caught in this inter-lapse of time, cross junctions of living. The years will keep rolling by, till we have accomplished what we think we ought to, and when the lights around us starts to dim... we know. It is time. So come back for me.

煎熬

I never thought a mandarin song could bring tears to my eyes as I was singing it out loud in public for the first time.

I have been on the run refusing to clear up the dust that have settled.

Everything frozen in ruin as I turned my back and fled the crime scene.

Shadows that I have brushed away into the far depths of my memory.

It was your ghost that I had avoided all along.

But today. I finally let go.

I detest the life here. Because I know what it is to come.

It is exhausting.

It feels like just a shutter would cause an impending destruction of the universe. Too quiet things are. Do you have a trump card to save your soul?

What is your worth. This question resonates.

A flutter of a butterfly brought forth such a wrath.

Time moved. So did I.

A different frame and perspective. Many yesterday's have passed and I am still looking forward to all my tomorrow's. Where we were planted to begin didn't allow any us a say. But where we end is ours to orchestrate.

My guitar still lies silently near me. Four walls have changed.

We knew. The intensity in the atmosphere.
Pardon my cowardice.

I have lost both written words in mind and paper.

Fatal frames.

I strip myself bare as I peal off these worldly titles. I have lost my mind.

That box you so often described... I've walked out yet so very naked.

I have stopped writing for quite some time now.

Some things... have changed.

Nothing stays the same.

I'll be back soon.

Bleeding into words to feel less of what you should

The circle of things and how we are tossed is inescapable despite our obvious roles

Closed doors and experimental accidents are foreplays leading towards the final act

How do I just walk away you questioned? Without a heart my dear.

So thank the past who have made destruction potent enough to cast a miserable state of a human to greet you.

My sleeves wipes your tears while I breathe my sorry's.

Don't make promises. Don't hold hostages.

You can't hold a heart from an empty chest.

I can't stay.

It’s lonesome through these glass doors.

You could scream all day and the obscurity does not fade.

Suicide is just a prerogative.

Why are you still here? Entangled flesh infused cryptic.

Haven’t you tried every detrimental activity within your accessibility?

You think you need aid but your conviction is unresolved.

Maybe you have been given the wrong prescription of reasoning so quit.

The taste of ash within the throat; cold bitter aftertaste.

Akin childhood memories; Haze of the forgotten.
As innocents we couldn't articulate the trauma that was imposed.

The revelation of scars never fades hides or resolve.

They run deep with uneven edges, penetrating every fortress, facade and flesh.

It gnaws mercilessly at the back of your head, like a bullet ingrained in your brains; No sympathy or empathy.

So how do you begin to heal when you have evaded?

Invalid.

Seeing doesn't help. Wanting is pointless.What you withhold keeps an interest high. Treat them bad to treat yourself right. Again another inverse relation.

So laying in a paid bed is no different; Just restricted by time. The four walls denies the hands of time to be evident. There is no light and you could be devoured into this non-existent vacuum. If limbo has to feel. It feels like this. What were you playing for? What were you paying for? One month from now makes no difference does it?

Hemorrhage in memory is salvation. As you forget you are remembered; Another wishful thinking for things to balance themselves out this way.

You felt the fabrics as you ran your fingers through tangible memories. This too feels familiar. One year ago on this same day and time, did you ever foresee your life to turn out this way. Overlapping time. Overlapping death all over again. You can feel the end as backward looking has never been this repeatedly cruel.

You still see shadows in your everyday's and the little detailed reminders in strangers you pass. Held back by an invincible thread. Even now. Even so.

You fought but chose a wrong that will live and be paid for the rest of eternity.

Downward spiral.

Past consecutive head-on collision.
How much of what you thought and felt doesn't stand the test of time when you encounter them again.
Strange isn't it. 
How does forever last in this ever changing world which is highly dependent on change to be a constant and relevance?
Those unchosen. 
To where we are in life. 
Such a significant gap and relief.
Some things are meant.
Not to happen.

Cold surgical room. Mavis. Some paths are crossed once. Till the next threads align. 

Strangers in a room exchanging topics of the everyday. I was to feel no pain; on the contrary part of me was removed and deceased. 

Through the minor gap I gazed in her direction letting the tears stream. She read my pulse and knew I was out of breath. Nothing but the smell of blood and scrapping flesh. Going under the knife was saying goodbye. 

My body was an experiment. 

I hope to see you again to tell you how much that meant.

In the dark.

I was holding her in my arms, whilst covering my mouth not to make a sound.

Fear. Fresh and gripping. Paralyzed.

I don't know who she was but I wanted to conceal her from those demons.

My only defense was the pistol in my jacket. Do I take their lives or ours?

We ran multiple floors and into a black hole.

Yet our breaths sold us away.

We were exposed and the execution flashed...
I was hauled into reality.

Who are you?

Come back.

Counting down stops through diminishing lights. 
Time is a beautiful slow dance, it is nature's revelation of our soul. 
What will be your last thoughts if your life is coming to an end via a public announcement system?
We are flames waiting to be extinguished. When more are gathered we become an inferno. 
Its been almost a year I'm glad your still here my self invented catalyst. 
Remembrance is crucial to know that we are alive.
Catalyst; First exposure and taste to the other side. 
Even if I had one shot to rewind, I would had re enact the same way down that spiral.
That alluring spin off. 

There are many stories trapped in another reality; highly imaginative, vibrant and out of control. Scenes that you don’t remember come alive after you come face to face with them again. We seem to be living them when we finally ride a high and how often does that happens? They say if you can't avoid it, yield to it, but how far does that takes you?

That last conversation had evoked quite a number of emotions that laid in slumber. Angst. Speechlessness. A flutter. Time has made us coward. I’ve dared not act upon emotions. For its consequence is too much to bear. There's a shimmering disturbance at the corner of my eye and I will not be afraid. I see them still.

I know what I don't need. And that scares me quite a bit. What I need are next moments.

The same cloud takes over with the same hovering swell and rapture. I can't fight nor resist it still. I can try but I give in.

Your freedom should not hurt someone else.

Have you seen a deck of cards that could devour you on the inside? Innocent clicks are the cause of your acute pain running through your system. You swallow your hurts telling yourself that you shouldn't be feeling this way. You keep repeating, "Aren't I glad it ain't me on that stage". But you know you need to do more than that. It is not convincing enough with this entry taking shape in words.

This is the long dark night you have been walking without much light ahead to lead the way.

You only have enough to get you to the next destination.

It will forever hurt. Lesser each day. But still. Hurt.

And it will remind me everyday to cherish the things I never saw.

This is new.

The distance established and absence of proximity.

Nothing but a slow dance.

The silent wave of calmness taking sail amidst the wreck that never did quite came.

Tangled laces come undone as time unravels paths.
I've seen where you have trailed off and I remain in the sun.

I'll keep walking on...

Tell me I'm strange

Tell me I'm peculiar

I don't feel right with this void inside

You took my forever

In a downhill crusade

I think I thought wrong to say the greatest distance in life;

Was death.

Walls are there for a reason; What are yours? Aren't we all moving a little too hasty that we don't have a minute to spare? There are no walls to climb without you around. As close as I will ever get; my knees starts to cave in and I find myself running frantically in the opposite direction. But when I do return, everything has vanished.

We can't force another to fit the void that isn't their place to begin with. As much as I don't like to be forsaken... I am invalid. But that's the funny thing about solitude; It draws victims in and then destroys them from the inside out. Beautiful red.

Sitting there at the in between, breathing the salt and earth. You are still not here with me. Nothing but the wind, I still am. A constant blur and mess. If you must know, I am torn writing this. The moment when settling feels like an option, instead of the cliff, I chose wrong. Again.

In that perfect world, I would chose. Your sheets. Your outline in the distance. Your scent. Your curtain. Your hands. You.

I... don't want to get up.

Where do I go from here.

I hate this weakness. But I am made up of it.