the call

It started out as a feeling

Which then grew into a hope

Which then turned into a quiet thought

Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder

'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back

When you call me

No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing

Doesn't mean it's never been this way before

All you can do is try to know who your friends are

As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon

And follow the light

You'll come back when it's over

No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning

It's just a feeling and no one knows yet

But just because they can't feel it too

Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger'

Till they're before your eyes

You'll come back

When they call you

No need to say goodbye

Regina Spektor - The Call

trepidation

What you desire, demand or anticipate from others is an egocentric act.
I have been wrong about many things recently.. And to that I apologize.
It is difficult, when you keep comparing the past to the present, of what you had and what you do not have now. The repercussion of this is what you know that you have lost, and all that is left is the feeling of uncertainty and fear that haunts you. "When fear is nothing but air... why do you still fear?" I keep telling myself that...

We do not have answers to many things in life.
And we will keep breathing in the air.
The mind will forever be a lonely place filled with battles and death.
You win some, and you lose some.
The only saving grace is the memories that were made along the way.

Just keep walking.

Today we perform, and what do performers do?
They act.

intermission

A soundless shift in time occured within these weeks. I find myself not at ease somehow. Uncomfortable perhaps at how surreal things are. Settled. Rarely I am at the state of mind. So to finally be at that state... makes me feel out of place.

Someone said this, "It is your time to enjoy the good stuffs, after going through all those shit." Maybe eh?

This cynical world has really warped up my sense of judgement and skepticism. Unknowingly/Knowingly you psyche your mind constantly everyday (every point in time/moment/second) to built up protective self-barriers (both big or small) so as to not crumble or be disappointed (be it a little/ a lot) or be labelled/seen as weak/childish/immature/sensitive/emo. Therefore the aftermath of this constant psyche/battle of the mind is negativity/disbelief/doubts/insecurity/pessimistic/overthinking. These are flaws that will hunt you everytime something good happens. It becomes your downfall in other areas of your life/character. Unknowingly... knowingly.

I'm living a pretty hectic schedule recently barely have the time to catch up with people. My apologies. But all is well with me, except the fact that I've barely got sufficient rest and alone-time. =( . If I could have 12 hours of undisturbed sleep... I'll be jumping off the roof! Ok ok... wishful thinking. Time seems to be running out on me these days. Do you feel that sometimes?

I wrote this to get me going (self-pep-talk), hope it motivates; "Forgive and forget all your yesterdays in order to live a better day, today. Live the present, a moment at a time. Seek to do the important things first, worry less to do more. Remember to breathe while your at it."

I'm still very much happy my dear significant. Simplicity at it's simplest. There is no math to it. Just open answers.


There is no rush, as we have all the time in the world to show them ours. One step at a time.

Just like that.

Alright?

brilliant

You slipped into my world unexpectedly... so...tender and endearing. Your innocence shatter my darkness. I am starting to believe in the goodness of the everyday, I am smiling myself silly within simple instances, moments and intervals. I am becoming more human..

Is this it?

Beauty in simplicity. You are.

How long have I lived this morbid character. Troubled you say? What did you saw that made you want to stay? Nobody ever did. I've dealt with more departures then arrivals, more funerals then weddings. More often people walked out on me, no one ever did walked in to stay long enough... to understand... to listen... to read between the lines. Those twisted games they played with my mind, building me up to tear me down.

Dates... are never the same.
Days... are never the same.

Fate bringer... lucky charm...

Mine.

nostalgia

If I could channel all the thoughts in my head into the words on this page, what a scene it would make. Lately I've experienced the ripple effect of situations and the veiled interfaces of my reality. How yielding it is to riff through the fragility of things. Perverse is the mind that seeks affliction, perverse are the eyes that run these words like news to be devoured, perverse is the bias antecedent of time.

My memory is failing me, it is selective in nature and it dims out the truth of things. My archives are bleak, and maybe just maybe I... unconciously... sadistically... took pleasure and comfort in them through the years. Now the wheels have turned. I need to face my demons. I fear this impending tendency for me to destroy every good thing that happens.

tonight

Happy. I've been seeing this word a lot lately. Because I am. And I hope you would be too. And to all those around I hope you will feel it. I love the way your scent lingers on me even when you leave and even as I type this post. It's like... your still here. With me. For me. Near me. Thank you.

Words just ran away from me tonight making it hard to type. So here's something short for this moment.

It's that feeling even if the world collapse, you won't even care and that all is good.
It's that feeling where... my legs feel weak and my smiles can't hide.

I've discovered enlightenment holding your hand.

You are.

So Beautiful

Whether I'm right or wrong
There's no phrase that hits
Like an ocean needs the sand
Or a dirty old shoe that fits
And if all the world was perfect
I would only ever want to see your scars
You know they can have their universe
We'll be in the dirt designing stars

Whether I'm up or down
There's no crowd to please
I'm like a faith without a clause to believe in it
And if all the world was smiling
I would only ever want to see your frown
You know they can sail away in sunsets
We'll be right here stranded on the ground
Just happy to be found

I have lost my illusions
I have drowned in your words
I have left my confusion to a cynical world
I am throwing myself at things I don't understand
Discover enlightenment holding your hand

You are..
So beautiful.



So Beautiful by Darren Hayes

ingenuous

So I fall asleep in front of my lap top, I wake up to the sound of my own laughter in my dreams, and my need for sleep is essential yet lacking. It feels like I am doing too much in one day. But I guess it only means that I am living to the brink of the everyday.

I seem to be smiling more recently, to various reasons. It is the simplicity, innocence and honesty of situations and moments that makes everything… beautiful. And I am thankful. It is not easy for the unexpected to happen and somehow still fall into place. But it did.

Did you know...
I am starting to believe again?

Here's what I scribbled when I was on the train that day...

I swear my heart moved to cause a stir in the silence
Could you hear it?
The way your eyes spoke for only me, was it really just me?

Do they pair the obvious
Because that cannot be the only way, we live for the obvious.
We make... the obvious.

love after love

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.


Derek Walcott

juncture

I have finally understood, the whole depth and truth behind the meaning of this saying, "only time will tell". I am not stating the obvious, just stating a point, a moment of comprehension. After running around in circles and being such a fickle creature, time is the only thing that stands in this realm, both, now and forever, past, present and future. Every coincidence, every passing moment, even a click, with or without the least consideration, could cause a silent chain reaction that permeates and transcends all understanding and instances to everything and everyone around. The impact is so immense that you do not realize it until, much time have passed. It is amazing what time can do to us...

they call it.. sky juice. no.. seriously.

Jumping out of bed to phonecalls, job interviews, bus rides, massive rain and cold feet. Well, hasn't it started snowing in Singapore? There is something about today. It is Thursday already?

I've finally watched Juno... sweet. =)

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on your back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
I want more fans, you want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You're always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?

I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

vivant

Adding one more post to the rest of the 66 posts so far. I'm still alive.

I feel better today, waking up early to breathe the morning air, watching my curtains rise and fall, watching the changing colours of the morning sky. My fingers and toes are all cold and frozen up despite having two blankets. Sleeping does reset your being to prepare you to meet a new day, it wipes away your raw emotions and hunger. It really does. That's why they call it... "Good Morning".

There… Good Morning...

I'm thankful to be able to speak to Denise this morning. It's been almost 3 months. Her return would be spectacular. I have not gone back to our usual hang outs. It is just not the same going to those places without her. I miss our moments, soups, drinks, madness, walks and talks because I can really do some of it right now.

"One day at a time eh babe?"

That's what she would say...

Quick… come back and keep my sanity in check…

They say, many things in life is just about getting use to it.

I... don't like that.

sting

And I was right. The wind has changed.

There is a fury building up, how irrational it is, how vindictive it is. Tell me how the hell could they behave like that? Aren’t they listening? Could they pay attention to not only themselves for a change? I could be screaming in their faces and they won't even realize it. I know reality would be catching up with me, to strike me hard. And every time it does that, I can never be prepared no matter how I said I would want to be. I am so angry at the idea of being angry...so hurt at the idea of being hurt... so very helpless.

arbitrary

It's been awhile since I wrote, and many things have altered along the way. Only when you click on the archives of your life, that you realize how much time have passed you by. To the things that mattered and to the things that never existed; all those intervals of moments, have passed. The weather was cold today, going out for a run with a companion was different (some fun), running errands by myself have revealed what a disaster I am in trying to get from point A to point B. Not to mention crossing roads and stuff like that. Perhaps I really have grown old...

Shaken by reality.
Ambiguous in stature.
Wayward with words.

I always believed in the cycle of things; that there is a balance in every good and bad moments/days/season/period which would tally out, somehow. I have been enjoying a whole lotta good days recently, it is all good, yet daunting at the same time. I hope when the wind decides to change its direction I would be able to hold out till the next gust of goodness decides to swing back into my life.

thank you.

I've changed my sleeping; waking hours.
I’ve started eating breakfast!
And I even have the time to digest The Strait Times, page by page.

Wow. No really. Wow. I never had all this before.

So this is simplicity. And this is company. I will miss this. I guess you will only know what loneliness has done to you, unconsciously… silently… through the years/months/days… till you are in the company of someone else.

Waking up together. Breathing the morning air together. Making breakfast together. Talking. Communicating. Laughing. Eating at the table. Reading the papers and commenting on the news/scandals. Reminiscence of memories forgotten.

I’ve forgotten what it is like to be really human. To use my five senses… to live.

So I’ve picked up my guitar again. And I don’t know about you… but I’m pretty keen on writing my next song.

I love you…. Grandma. This episode has rendered me helpless to reality. Time is running out, and you are getting old, thank you, for putting my life back on track. Don’t leave me too soon. I can’t bare that. You know how much I love to cry don’t you? It was you all long eh?

CNY

Affinity with hospitals and funerals - Check.
Unlucky & tragically warped CNY - Check.
Watching "porn" with family and friends on CNY - Check.
Still alive - Check.

Hectic rush and a fluctuating rise and fall to my heart. Things that are not in my control seems to have its kick this week. But hey, I'm still breathing, and... painfully trying to write a thesis amidst the mess. Almost there almost there I say... So I wonder what else can tomorrow bring?

whimsical

Ok ok. I am not all sad, dark and twisty. I am just whimsical. I am still human mind you... and I enjoy the simple pleasures of the ordinary life. Take for example, finally getting the chance to stay home. Rush a portfolio. Play worms. Watch television. Play the guitar. Visit the movies once in awhile. To prove it, the last show I watched was "Cloverfield"...which nearly made me puke...really bad show for people who suffer motion sickness. I have been clean since the start of this year, which is a really good sign. Along the week I realize something in me clicked. Something happened. I am not too sure exactly what. But I feel a change. A good thing. A good change. It's that feeling, where everything in my life is finally properly archived.

asylum

For a week they left me in an asylum. They said that I was mad. But what exactly is madness?

Madness is the inability to communicate your ideas. It's as if you were in a foreign country, able to see and understand everything that's going on around you, but incabable of explaining what you need to know or of being helped, because you don't understand the language they speak there.

Don't we all have felt that?
All of us, one way or another, are mad.

I read this recently...

A powerful wizard, who wanted to destroy an entire kingdom, placed a magic potion in a well from which all the inhabitants drank. Whoever drank that water would go mad.

The following morning, the whole population drank from the well and they all went mad, apart from the kind and his family, who had a well set aside for them alone, and which the magican had not managed to poison. The king was worried and tried to control the population by issuing a series of edicts governing security and public health. The policemen and the inspectors, however, had also drunk the poisoned water and they thought the king's decisions were absurd and resolved to take no notice of them.

When the inhabitants of the kingdom heard these decrees they became convinced that the king had gone mad and was now giving nonsensical orders. They marched on the castle and called for his abdication. In despair, the king prepared to step down from the throne, but the queen stopped him, saying "Let us drink from the communal well. Then, we will be the same as them. And that was what they did: the king, and the queen drank the water of madness and immediately began talking nonsense. Their subjects repented at once; now that the king was displaying such wisdom, why not allow him to continue ruling the country?

The country continued to live in peace, although its inhabitants behaved very differently from those of its neighbours. And the king was able to govern until the end of his days.

Do you know what exist out there in my world? The people who have drunk from the same well. They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. Well, I'm going to pretend that I have drunk from the same well as them.

watching you

If I could love, this is it.

I hate to say goodbye to you, because... you are the last person I ever want to say goodbye to.
So I will be strong for you. Because I know I will see you again and I will still be here, the same old me, at this same spot where you left, I will be waiting here where the spot you left would not be taken. So come back, and fill up this spot again. There were a few points in time today, where I secretly took little memory snap shots of you as we were going about simple routines...watching you make a purchase... watching you smile to yourself as you reflect on certain memory flashbacks of people... watching you as you sit beside me with your head bowed as you said a prayer... watching the way you eat and stir your favourite vegetable and rice together with this very cute circular movement with your cutlery... Just watching you. If I could...I would be so selfish as to steal you away from everyone and keep you with me, and tell the world that I own you and that you belong to me and only me. But that is foolish. You belong to the world. As I was walking home it hit me that you are not here. And... I wondered how many times I would be crossing that "small road" now that you are not around. And... When would I be walking you home again? I sound like a lover now don't I?

One day at a time.
One moment at a time.
One breath at a time.
I miss you love.

breathe

I know. You don't have to say it. I have to fix. To piece the scattered shards of the everyday. The movie said, some doors are not for us to close. Doors. Where did the keys go? Do they find their way back? Or are they left in that empty jar awaiting someone's return or claim? Wouldn't it be sad that in time to come the only story to be told from that set of keys are its chains? I thought I could just walk away. Run away. Anything. To get out of that moment and every other moment. But here's the sad truth. Existence is catching up. And I am lacking the energy to go anywhere. To move anywhere. To run anywhere. To walk anywhere. Let alone fight for anything with or without any cause. I don't even have the strength to reach out, call out, cry out, ask, want, need, demand, claim, and explain. I can't find the way anymore. How did the script made pain so real and deep. How the act made everything collapse on the inside. How did names even strike an arduous match? I can't breathe. I can't. I can't breathe though I am taking breaths.

___________________________________________________

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
And we hang our heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or where ever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio, and
I'll find your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, you're still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed me the door.

The Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata

___________________________________________________

Mannequin

I pray my next song would make you cry. I pray my next song would touch the heart of anyone who hears it. I really love the lyrics. And it has taken me awhile to match the music to it so that it would fit perfectly. This would be my first song for the year 2008. I hope I can get down to recording it soon, so that everyone/anyone/people can hear it, and feel it. The many layers would be a pain. But the end product would be the most rewarding thing I would ever feel.

I've successfully married the lyrics and music together on the night of 4th January 2008.

___________________________________________________________

Mannequin

Could I tell you a story
About a girl I met very recently
She was telling me beautiful dreams
and love in her reality
She had all that she wanted in him
How they met and ran away with
Words and time - Together.

Could I tell you I met her again
She was crying
So scared to repent
She said: "Everything, everything was a lie"
"Everything, everthing was her lie."

She was on the bus that night
Heading home when she thought about the show she watched
And it hit her, it hit her
Through and through
She said: "Oh my God, I've been in love with a mannequin of you."

She ran home so fast just to check if it's true
And she screamed for "him" to reply
Just a 'Hello' will do won't you say it back to me now
I can't take this silence, no I can't take this loneliness again.

Is that all - I will ever have of you.
Just a mannequin, a mannequin.
Of You.


Joyner
___________________________________________________________

cryptic

If people are more attentive they do not need words to converse.
Because the slightest gesture of a look a gaze or a movement, would give them away. Akin to a picture explaining itself without the need of any narration.
Do not be a fool to misuse your words. As it would be too late to realize that the slightest err is enough to upset an unseen moment. It is difficult nowadays, for anyone to slow down, to be at the same state of mind. Those moments are hard to come by. But when they do, remember, slow down too.

I was walking along a straight path, and everyone was walking ahead of me. That piercing pain hit me again, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream. I just stood there paralyzed. But no one saw me. In that scene, everything was in slow motion. No one... saw me.

lot

My head hurts.
My body is breaking down on me.
Insides feeling all battered and messed up.
What happened within a day?
When all I need is sleep. I need that coma. That peace.
I lay in bed, thinking... while enjoying the gentle breeze swing its caresses.
I want to believe again. Teach me. Show me.
To believe in the goodness of people.
To believe in the idea of love. In trust. In hope.
I know that reality has been unkind to fairytales.
But what happened along the way?
I will let myself wait on fate, chance, destiny and time again.
I dare the Gods to wager with the points and intervals in my life this year.
Let me believe again.

Only human

I know I am alright. That this year... is something I can do. Everything doesn't matter. Everything goes. I've forgiven. I've let go. I've killed. I've died. And... I'll start to believe again because you are my person. There are things that I would be giving up on. That is the addiction in the act. The fool that I have let myself become. I am putting my life at stake. The people. The path. The way. This is it. This is the moment. To start. To begin. To let...live.

The beautiful limbo I slip into while marrying my lyrics and music together.
Tells me that...I am here.

Just a poet.
Just a musician.
Just a girl.
Only human.

Hello... 2008.

chapter 41 : End

This is the end.
This is... goodbye.
Remember today.
I've no respect for you.

Crashed.
And.
Burned.

The End.

chapter 40 : want

If I could take you away

Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay, but they just dont care
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you
walk away, don't you walk away.

chapter 39 : Fray

Must a fight for a cause be known?
Is there a need to be recognized, to be acknowledged, to be appreciated, to be accepted, to be heard, to be felt, then only is it counted?
Must all the cause that is fought for, be made known?
How about to those who kept silent?
Have I become too cynical to believe?
How and when would reality have a place for me?
All that you did, I have done it all, with the same passion, but they were all acts that no one would ever know took place.
But haven't I been living all this while in this silent fight, where suddenly everything in my life, doesn't matter anymore. Because... love is watching... someone die.

All I want... is....that one point in time...

...where everything would collide again.

191207

191207

I cry with you, though I am not there.

Always remember that I am holding you with these invisible hands.
I will always love you deeply still, despite the distance and silence.
This post is dedicated to you, and the loss... that I cannot make up for.

I love you.

chapter 38 : I saw you

Believe me. I saw you. You were standing there at that very crossroad, and you looked the same, except your hair was cut. You were not distracted by the cars going by or the lights surrounding you or even the noise passing you by. Your eyes were looking down at your hands and you were holding a guitar, it was your instrument your soul and that everything else was a fake. The vehicle I was on passed you by, and as I stood up from my seat with my hands on the window pane, watching, staring, thinking; I saw you. As the vehicle turned in loops, and went further away, I saw you. You started walking in that one direction I wanted to follow, but as I tried to keep up with you, I just couldn't. Because there will always be this distance and space between us that I can never cross over to reach you. And all you did was keep walking ahead, without me.

But, I saw you.

chapter 37 : This world you must've crossed

I have to make a decision that I am honestly not very sure about as to how much do I really want it. How much do I want it enough to take this leap and throw myself into the great unknown? But how much do we really want something to fight for nowadays? I am running out of time. You asked if I could do it. So here's my answer now, I could. And I would, pack up and leave with no strings attached, as nothing is holding me back. Why? Because you said;

"It is what we feel that makes the choice. Not the choice to what we feel."

I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over.
Where no one knows my name.
I'm tired of the weather.
I think I'll get a lover.
I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise; I'm tired of the sunset.
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice.
You don't know me, you don't even care.

i think i almost came to save you. you know that point of weakness where you want something to happen. And each time you say it you know exactly what it really means. i want "you" to happen and nothing else. i was this close in offering one of my wings to you so that you could fly well i spiral down into the nothingness again. but this time. it was different. something else happened. but you didn't.

chapter 36 : sane

and maybe just maybe, i have this sick psychotic elatedness while reading your misery. it isn't a retribution i am reading about, well i am not exactly sure anymore. but the thing is, your words of pain soothes certain scars and wounds. i dare say, this is good. but i can't say if it is enough. you will lose this battle. and i will still be standing here to watch it all. this sick cycle spinning around? do you see it? it has been spinning since everything started. since everyone crossed paths. i am insanely inhumanly selfish to the extent that i would rather that no one ends up with anything and that if i have to take the fall, everyone else will take the fall, along with the burnt bridges that i would had personally set on fire. don't get me wrong, i am not asking for anything or anyone or any consolation or any pity. save it. because i rather be run down by the train than empathy over something that cannot be fathomed. how long would i keep this up? not too sure. it is perfecly safe in this realm of sanity. i think i will stay here for the moment.

chapter 35 : miss you love.

Millionaire say
Got a big shot deal
And thrown it all away but
But I'm not too sure
How I'm supposed to feel
Or what I'm supposed to say
But I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
And I miss you love

Make room for the prey
'Cause I'm coming in
With what I wanna say but
It's gonna hurt
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate but...

I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you love

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back

It's just a fad
Part of the teen, teenage angst brigade and
I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm suppose to love you back.

over thinking.

At some point in time you really wish you could be shot. Or rather the act of it sounds good enough. The whole sick cycle of what everyone is chasing after seems pretty clear to me, that no one will ever get what they want in the end. So I comfort myself with the thought that having nothing is good enough. But what is enough? What is ever enough? Maybe it is the same logic, that the act of saying “it is enough” sounds good enough.

Today I saw this child standing at the escalator which was going in the opposite direction, knowing that it is wrong she still stood there. And even when her mother reprimanded her over her actions she still stood there. Does she not speak for all of us? That it is in our nature to do the exact opposite of logic? We challenge the simple things in life, doing the exact opposite, doing what the mainstream think is taboo, doing what we already know is bad. I guess all of us inherited the same tendency from Eve who defied God in the Garden of Eden over the forbidden fruit. In the present day, we burn ourselves to know that it is hot. We drink till we get drunk and make an awful mess of ourselves knowing that our body cannot take it. We sleep with the person we love knowing that when the morning comes he/she would never stay, would never have a future with you, and would never be with you. We smoke knowing that it kills our insides. We get stuck in time and memory waiting for someone that will never know we still exist, that will never know we are still here waiting, that will never know we have not forgotten, that will never know we would do anything for just another season, that will never know we still want them back.

Childlike acts in an adult.
Aren’t we?
We never grow up.
We just grow old.

"And yes. For the record I have done it again.
If only I could tell you what I have been reading and that the only song playing on repeat is causing me to cry. But you would never know and you wouldn't even give a damn about it."

pas du tout.

Bang Bang.

Chapter 34 : Visceral

We are an amazing species.
We bleed to know we are alive and we live.
I believe that our physical body has a mind of its own, it knows when and how it will fall apart, and as it splits it sends a warning to tell you that you cannot endure any longer.

There will be a time where you slide into a depression to weep for your dying self. Somehow the physical body knows and senses the count down of your biological clock to death and it reacts, it weeps unknowingly for this impending arrival of death. I call it the “emotional physical self” reacting.

Why do I keep writing? This is the only way I can leave a part of me in time. It is the only way I can freeze time into these writings, it is the only way to remind others and myself that I was here in time.

I was here.
And I am not doing too good.

Chapter 33 : peculiar

I wanted to write and put together something that I can own… where only these words belong to me. It is an incomplete composition. But it is a start… after taking a long break.

Never known Never own

Since everyone is living with their past
Why can’t I stay there too?
It is safe it is where no one else can come in
The only place where you and I exist

In this looping space I created
I don’t have to worry if I am not good enough

This is my imaginary story
with no end because I control it
This is a script that lost its cast
with scenes made tangible through the heart

To play it back when it started
as one that falls away and parts
Those arms that held the very being
exist today
She is awake.

laconism

The weather tonight sure reflects my thoughts. It is calming to stand in the rain; it reminds me that I am still here. I would have walked all the way back home in the rain, but I recalled a vision; I was walking and the sky gave way to a beam of light, it was the most beautiful phenomenon I have ever seen. But it hit me, as I felt my legs gave way and I was falling. That interval, that moment, I felt I was home.

Try keeping quiet the whole day; it drives people around you crazy. This is what you do if you want to inflict frustration and pain to another fellow human; silence and distance best trick in the book. I have done it and the only hypothesis derived; my silence causes panic. Trust me I didn’t do it on purpose. Sometimes it just gets too loud in my head making it tricky to filter the voices within. I hate seclusion but I want to be alone. Does it make sense?

The truth is I hear voices; therefore my trusty pen and note pad are always near so that I can let these voices take the shape of words. Maybe only now can I provide an explanation to my eccentric writings and the way I compose my songs. Not that I take pleasure in the lack of understanding from what others feel in what I write. It sure makes me uneasy when I cannot be understood. It has been a long while since I wrote a song and I cannot let myself slip again, to use an old memory when the new is not potent enough to aid me in my next creation.

I've never known, and never owned you.

Chapter 32 : retrace

You didn't do anything, your memory did.

All I have are locked in these words. Those immortal nights....those magnificent nights that anyone would kill to take that place.

It was a dream that came true, but not through. Dreams only take the evanescent form of reality from the repressed mind. The beauty of it? When you wake it is gone.

Those arms that held the very being which exists today, those hands that emit warmth and propensity to the crying heart, those lips that monopolize the essence of life and core of the soul.

This is a script that lost its cast with scenes made tangible through the heart.

Where are you.

persona swings.

So we will grow older. And after all the disputes and little arguments, we learn. To learn what really matters to us, to understand what we really want, to start over and meet our new selves that have readily changed with the new season that somehow catches you unaware. To let go. Nothing remains, especially what we believed, so do not be dishearten. But the few that remains faithfully through every season is a significant. I forgive readily, but I will never forget damages. Not that I didn't let go, but damages are the scars that moulds my path that moulds who I am now. Time has neither been fast nor slow, it has just been constant but we live as though we are dying, and we die as though we had never lived. I'm 19 already. Impulsive me wants to make all the mistakes I can make as a (last) teen. Rational me just wants to do the right thing. I am torn between the two extremes of my persona. Random & Impulsive VS Rational & Calm. So I swing. A new friend along with a couple of old friends stepped into my life...it is a cycle people stepping in and out to make things a little more interesting here and there. I like that phrase Denise said to me the other day, "We are only used when we allow it." A lot of truth in that. I allow things to happen. Sometimes out of curiosity. Sometimes just to see what happens next. Sometimes I just want to get into a little advanture and spontaneous mode. Sometimes I want to ride a high. Or sometimes I just want to get hurt. I am still pretty much a kid despite my writings. That is why I am not all good as a person. I do get possessive and jealous but I will somehow put myself in check and take a walk because some times I do too, fear that I am not good enough. Hafizhah won an award today with this phrase to end my day: " but i like joyner the way she is be it, good or bad. =) "

Chapter 31 : Flights of fancy

The addiction is not in the drugs. It is in the act. Just like what I said last night. It is not the being but the memory. I was running on a high, and all that mattered was the chase, the predicament.

I could visit that point in time, and stay there, as it is the only place where you are near. Sing to me, once again, in your room...like old days.

So give me a memory and I will make you a song. This is the need that is killing me on the inside everyday. Is this a possession or a jealousy I seem to have that just cannot be shaken off? What have I become?

We will never stay the same, what we believed, what we are, everything... moves and alter along with time and decisions we make. So here's the truth of the truth, what I am is not all good, it is not all bad.

And I miss you the most.

Chapter 30 : catalyst

Staring at the pack in front of me. I know it is full than empty. I could start but there would be no end. Why do they tell you to stop when they had never listened to your cries? Irony of a human being. I am just holding out... I find myself repeating. But I know these actions would bring about a chain effect. Time has told me, my impulse does not do me any good. A cup of gin, and so I did. Just like that. Indeed the best gift. Happy birthday...

Where all wrongs are made right.
When loneliness is made perfect.
That is where I belong.

Chapter 29 : vacate

I walked in knowing what to expect. How often we do that. The same old routine taken for granted. I am afraid my words would fail me or I may summon cruel blasephemy if I do not hold back. Maybe if we were older, when pride has left us, we would see better. But... we are only human. Our fragility is our downfall isn't it? What ever that is left of me that you would like to take or destroy... just do it.

The silhouette by the corner now vacant along with time
To be what it was initially without a sound
How the distraction made real to what it is now
Where all that I am fond of is nothing of the being
but the parallel memory in itself.

so this is what you would like to read?

Alright. I shall stop chaptering and start writing something blog worthy to be read and understood. Happy?

Work has gradually became a war zone alongside sick entertainment of dog walking, doughnuts, gardens, smoke breaks and stuff like that.

Politics, our ever non stop hits of Jo Jo's jokes and songs, random situations by distressed passengers, horror tales of toilets & heads & knocks & dead people & where they put the corspe and coffins in our work place, stories of the "she", free manicure services... not forgetting everyone is getting an anal session with the great old mighty yoda located above us.

All hail tuesday. I hope I win the bet for the first open fire from yoda.

Yay.

By the way, emo is good. It's an expressive way to kick yourself around while making a scene that is worthy to be read. =)

Guess whose back.

Chapter 28 : riven

I don't have any volume like the glass cup. Compared to a sudden shattering of everything you endear, a slow cracking is much easier to handle.

My fragility wasn't your fault.

Chapter 27 : Black Tears

In this darkness
My feet would not go back
Was this the night I prayed for
This just cannot be
There are no chains around me
But if I want to go on like this
I will have to pay the price one day
When you cannot even believe in yourself
Who should you believe in
The answer is so close
That I cannot see it
Shedding black tears
There is nothing in me but sadness
And I cannot even say it
My whole body aches
And I cannot make it go away on my own.

Chapter 26 : terminal

I like my days in transit as I do not feel that I am here. Moving along with the people around me, becoming a direction. Destination, anywhere. I thought of the distances between countries, how similar it is to humans. It is essential so as to make every journey more meaningful and valuable. Every meeting a memory.

So it shattered.

Once again people will fail you. They say you forced it. They say let it be naturally. They say you are expecting too much. They say they have tried but you do not see.

They said.

I say. So it shall be done. I say I will walk away without force without expectation without seeing without forcing.

I said.

"No matter how long we exist, we have our memories - points in time which time itself cannot erase. Suffering may distort my backward glances, but even to suffering, some memories will yield nothing of their beauty or their splendor. Rather they remain as hard as gems."

Chapter 25 : consonance

"Whose pair of hands shall join me in the creation of my written masterpiece."

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chapter 24 : Live

I have not lived yet. How young and bold I ought to be, to sail through waves and storms, to fight the battles of everyday life! Bless the Lord for the gift of talents, so that we could put to test all that we are given. It's amazing to see all the weights stripped away and how the soul can take its flight in this realm. To love what you do not have and disclose what you already possess.

Recently I had been called home by His very voice, so vividly I heard it. O how my soul cannot fathom the day of the rapture, and only the worthy would be taken. Many would grieve and wonder why the tribulation of seven years. It is the point of no return, and I do not want to be left behind.

Believe in me when I say that we are all warriors. We do the impossible of the everyday life.

To live.

Chapter 23 : Tale

I woke...and I just laid there. Waiting. Wondering. How did I get here? How did we all get here. The shadows shifted, as I held myself and told myself to sleep. The noise of the world is blatant yet comforting to the equally deranged mind. Lately the simple joy of reading and immersing in words is satisfying and bliss. I live.

"But I lived the lie. I lived it out of anger. This is what I'm trying to tell you. I have lived lies. I have done it again and again. I live lies because I cannot endure the weakness of anger, and I cannot admit the irrationality of love." Marius

Indeed.

Chapter 22 : dear fate

This is not a chapter.
This is goodbye.

To a past that I've been sorely living on. You were every word.. everything.. I write. And I know at the very core of my being, I can proudly say this, I could love you forever at this distance. Yes, to all those who prophesied or said it all so many times, the greatest love is one that lets go so the other would be happy, even if it means that significant is in the arms of another or even if they forgot. This is indeed the greatest love. To learn that my very being is capable of something like this shows a great deal of my ability.

They say time heals everything but I'm still waiting.

She said you are happier now. I imagine you walking down that path with her hand in yours, your beautiful smile gleaming... full of hope and love. To know that you shed that slight shimmer of guilt in your eyes.. it is enough.

I wrote you a song today; I pray it is my last song for you. Though you will never hear it.

I have never known and I have never owned you.

____________________________________________________________________

Beautiful Red

He wanted to leave this world
Did you know
He sat outside his window
It scared me so
Having to lose another friend
Someone I've yet to confess
I saw his soul
It was beautiful to me

Beautiful Red
You flutter
Going in circles
In your colour

Oh Beautiful Red
You got me blinded
Frozen in your wander

She wanted to fall asleep
It was a blunder
That she went over
It scared her so
Having no answers till today
Of the colour
That was beautiful

In your colour
Going in circles
You flutter
Beautiful Red

Chapter 21: Bypass

Conscious, you are fine.
It is the only affair I regard
I must had been a lurking advocate of your shadow all these years
If only you knew how much I have loved that shade of black
So then tell me, did I have wings in your eyes?
Yes, too soon it will be your moment to rise above the waiting world you so belonged.
Soar and remember me.

Chapter 20 : Begin the Begin

Can I say something that would make you stay?
Just a little longer right here at this space, where you would come back to visit?

I am sorry.

I slipped... and I fell.
The free fall through that spiral was excruciating yet beautiful. Don’t you fear the light sometimes? I do. In between those dreams and reality, I didn’t want to wake. I felt safe in that limbo.

I see shadows… and the truth is… they are beautiful. Maybe one day, I’ll write the stories of these shadows so that you could see what I saw.

But...right now... please believe in me, and watch me stand up on my own two feet. I will get better. I will be better. I will do better. So wait. Wait for me.

I am running out of time and all that I have are these words. But these words shed so little light into my world.

Would anyone have stepped in?

Chapter 19: Incubus

What if I told you I have lost everything
And the person that stands infront of you
bares nothing within that is not crumbling
So you shake her to wake
but all it does is hasten the speed of nothingness

What has the chase done
to built a cause or to create a fight; and was is it even mine to begin
So you uncover your nakedness to arrive
at the core of your absolute cipher
to bring forth the frolic fronts of their regards
and evoke an incubus of reminiscence.

Chapter 18: Beautiful Red

Beautiful red under those yellow lights
that is where you belong to take that flight
You tilt at the angle of that moment
where memory would take you away

Beautiful red thought it was over then
the travel was enough to speak of a picture
where frames had ran away

Each clicks reveal the truth behind the colour
that will never be owned.

Chapter 17 : In between

So the distance of the front to the back
With the crowd in between
And the noise overhead
Even if eyes had met
Would never be enough

To cut the locks and fill the vows
With gentle hands
It falls to the ground
The final reflection to take
Just the way you imagined it.

Chapter 16 : Black Book

To a past, if it's still read.

I went back to the folders containing the last thresholds

Walked passed the frame that's still here
It wasn't that long nor was it that short

Was I the cause of that downfall

With much time passed

I'm still very much the tragedy of myself

Be well.

Chapter 15 : Leavers

You know how you wake
Into someone else
To take the place of that individual and strip the past
To walk out of all the mess and breathe a life of another
So finish the begin and start over
Give yourself away to the keepers but destroy not your heart and body to the leavers
It is time. Stand strong.