whimsical

Ok ok. I am not all sad, dark and twisty. I am just whimsical. I am still human mind you... and I enjoy the simple pleasures of the ordinary life. Take for example, finally getting the chance to stay home. Rush a portfolio. Play worms. Watch television. Play the guitar. Visit the movies once in awhile. To prove it, the last show I watched was "Cloverfield"...which nearly made me puke...really bad show for people who suffer motion sickness. I have been clean since the start of this year, which is a really good sign. Along the week I realize something in me clicked. Something happened. I am not too sure exactly what. But I feel a change. A good thing. A good change. It's that feeling, where everything in my life is finally properly archived.

asylum

For a week they left me in an asylum. They said that I was mad. But what exactly is madness?

Madness is the inability to communicate your ideas. It's as if you were in a foreign country, able to see and understand everything that's going on around you, but incabable of explaining what you need to know or of being helped, because you don't understand the language they speak there.

Don't we all have felt that?
All of us, one way or another, are mad.

I read this recently...

A powerful wizard, who wanted to destroy an entire kingdom, placed a magic potion in a well from which all the inhabitants drank. Whoever drank that water would go mad.

The following morning, the whole population drank from the well and they all went mad, apart from the kind and his family, who had a well set aside for them alone, and which the magican had not managed to poison. The king was worried and tried to control the population by issuing a series of edicts governing security and public health. The policemen and the inspectors, however, had also drunk the poisoned water and they thought the king's decisions were absurd and resolved to take no notice of them.

When the inhabitants of the kingdom heard these decrees they became convinced that the king had gone mad and was now giving nonsensical orders. They marched on the castle and called for his abdication. In despair, the king prepared to step down from the throne, but the queen stopped him, saying "Let us drink from the communal well. Then, we will be the same as them. And that was what they did: the king, and the queen drank the water of madness and immediately began talking nonsense. Their subjects repented at once; now that the king was displaying such wisdom, why not allow him to continue ruling the country?

The country continued to live in peace, although its inhabitants behaved very differently from those of its neighbours. And the king was able to govern until the end of his days.

Do you know what exist out there in my world? The people who have drunk from the same well. They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. Well, I'm going to pretend that I have drunk from the same well as them.

watching you

If I could love, this is it.

I hate to say goodbye to you, because... you are the last person I ever want to say goodbye to.
So I will be strong for you. Because I know I will see you again and I will still be here, the same old me, at this same spot where you left, I will be waiting here where the spot you left would not be taken. So come back, and fill up this spot again. There were a few points in time today, where I secretly took little memory snap shots of you as we were going about simple routines...watching you make a purchase... watching you smile to yourself as you reflect on certain memory flashbacks of people... watching you as you sit beside me with your head bowed as you said a prayer... watching the way you eat and stir your favourite vegetable and rice together with this very cute circular movement with your cutlery... Just watching you. If I could...I would be so selfish as to steal you away from everyone and keep you with me, and tell the world that I own you and that you belong to me and only me. But that is foolish. You belong to the world. As I was walking home it hit me that you are not here. And... I wondered how many times I would be crossing that "small road" now that you are not around. And... When would I be walking you home again? I sound like a lover now don't I?

One day at a time.
One moment at a time.
One breath at a time.
I miss you love.

breathe

I know. You don't have to say it. I have to fix. To piece the scattered shards of the everyday. The movie said, some doors are not for us to close. Doors. Where did the keys go? Do they find their way back? Or are they left in that empty jar awaiting someone's return or claim? Wouldn't it be sad that in time to come the only story to be told from that set of keys are its chains? I thought I could just walk away. Run away. Anything. To get out of that moment and every other moment. But here's the sad truth. Existence is catching up. And I am lacking the energy to go anywhere. To move anywhere. To run anywhere. To walk anywhere. Let alone fight for anything with or without any cause. I don't even have the strength to reach out, call out, cry out, ask, want, need, demand, claim, and explain. I can't find the way anymore. How did the script made pain so real and deep. How the act made everything collapse on the inside. How did names even strike an arduous match? I can't breathe. I can't. I can't breathe though I am taking breaths.

___________________________________________________

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
And we hang our heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or where ever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio, and
I'll find your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, you're still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed me the door.

The Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata

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Mannequin

I pray my next song would make you cry. I pray my next song would touch the heart of anyone who hears it. I really love the lyrics. And it has taken me awhile to match the music to it so that it would fit perfectly. This would be my first song for the year 2008. I hope I can get down to recording it soon, so that everyone/anyone/people can hear it, and feel it. The many layers would be a pain. But the end product would be the most rewarding thing I would ever feel.

I've successfully married the lyrics and music together on the night of 4th January 2008.

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Mannequin

Could I tell you a story
About a girl I met very recently
She was telling me beautiful dreams
and love in her reality
She had all that she wanted in him
How they met and ran away with
Words and time - Together.

Could I tell you I met her again
She was crying
So scared to repent
She said: "Everything, everything was a lie"
"Everything, everthing was her lie."

She was on the bus that night
Heading home when she thought about the show she watched
And it hit her, it hit her
Through and through
She said: "Oh my God, I've been in love with a mannequin of you."

She ran home so fast just to check if it's true
And she screamed for "him" to reply
Just a 'Hello' will do won't you say it back to me now
I can't take this silence, no I can't take this loneliness again.

Is that all - I will ever have of you.
Just a mannequin, a mannequin.
Of You.


Joyner
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cryptic

If people are more attentive they do not need words to converse.
Because the slightest gesture of a look a gaze or a movement, would give them away. Akin to a picture explaining itself without the need of any narration.
Do not be a fool to misuse your words. As it would be too late to realize that the slightest err is enough to upset an unseen moment. It is difficult nowadays, for anyone to slow down, to be at the same state of mind. Those moments are hard to come by. But when they do, remember, slow down too.

I was walking along a straight path, and everyone was walking ahead of me. That piercing pain hit me again, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream. I just stood there paralyzed. But no one saw me. In that scene, everything was in slow motion. No one... saw me.

lot

My head hurts.
My body is breaking down on me.
Insides feeling all battered and messed up.
What happened within a day?
When all I need is sleep. I need that coma. That peace.
I lay in bed, thinking... while enjoying the gentle breeze swing its caresses.
I want to believe again. Teach me. Show me.
To believe in the goodness of people.
To believe in the idea of love. In trust. In hope.
I know that reality has been unkind to fairytales.
But what happened along the way?
I will let myself wait on fate, chance, destiny and time again.
I dare the Gods to wager with the points and intervals in my life this year.
Let me believe again.

Only human

I know I am alright. That this year... is something I can do. Everything doesn't matter. Everything goes. I've forgiven. I've let go. I've killed. I've died. And... I'll start to believe again because you are my person. There are things that I would be giving up on. That is the addiction in the act. The fool that I have let myself become. I am putting my life at stake. The people. The path. The way. This is it. This is the moment. To start. To begin. To let...live.

The beautiful limbo I slip into while marrying my lyrics and music together.
Tells me that...I am here.

Just a poet.
Just a musician.
Just a girl.
Only human.

Hello... 2008.