chapter 41 : End

This is the end.
This is... goodbye.
Remember today.
I've no respect for you.

Crashed.
And.
Burned.

The End.

chapter 40 : want

If I could take you away

Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay, but they just dont care
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you
walk away, don't you walk away.

chapter 39 : Fray

Must a fight for a cause be known?
Is there a need to be recognized, to be acknowledged, to be appreciated, to be accepted, to be heard, to be felt, then only is it counted?
Must all the cause that is fought for, be made known?
How about to those who kept silent?
Have I become too cynical to believe?
How and when would reality have a place for me?
All that you did, I have done it all, with the same passion, but they were all acts that no one would ever know took place.
But haven't I been living all this while in this silent fight, where suddenly everything in my life, doesn't matter anymore. Because... love is watching... someone die.

All I want... is....that one point in time...

...where everything would collide again.

191207

191207

I cry with you, though I am not there.

Always remember that I am holding you with these invisible hands.
I will always love you deeply still, despite the distance and silence.
This post is dedicated to you, and the loss... that I cannot make up for.

I love you.

chapter 38 : I saw you

Believe me. I saw you. You were standing there at that very crossroad, and you looked the same, except your hair was cut. You were not distracted by the cars going by or the lights surrounding you or even the noise passing you by. Your eyes were looking down at your hands and you were holding a guitar, it was your instrument your soul and that everything else was a fake. The vehicle I was on passed you by, and as I stood up from my seat with my hands on the window pane, watching, staring, thinking; I saw you. As the vehicle turned in loops, and went further away, I saw you. You started walking in that one direction I wanted to follow, but as I tried to keep up with you, I just couldn't. Because there will always be this distance and space between us that I can never cross over to reach you. And all you did was keep walking ahead, without me.

But, I saw you.

chapter 37 : This world you must've crossed

I have to make a decision that I am honestly not very sure about as to how much do I really want it. How much do I want it enough to take this leap and throw myself into the great unknown? But how much do we really want something to fight for nowadays? I am running out of time. You asked if I could do it. So here's my answer now, I could. And I would, pack up and leave with no strings attached, as nothing is holding me back. Why? Because you said;

"It is what we feel that makes the choice. Not the choice to what we feel."

I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over.
Where no one knows my name.
I'm tired of the weather.
I think I'll get a lover.
I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise; I'm tired of the sunset.
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice.
You don't know me, you don't even care.

i think i almost came to save you. you know that point of weakness where you want something to happen. And each time you say it you know exactly what it really means. i want "you" to happen and nothing else. i was this close in offering one of my wings to you so that you could fly well i spiral down into the nothingness again. but this time. it was different. something else happened. but you didn't.

chapter 36 : sane

and maybe just maybe, i have this sick psychotic elatedness while reading your misery. it isn't a retribution i am reading about, well i am not exactly sure anymore. but the thing is, your words of pain soothes certain scars and wounds. i dare say, this is good. but i can't say if it is enough. you will lose this battle. and i will still be standing here to watch it all. this sick cycle spinning around? do you see it? it has been spinning since everything started. since everyone crossed paths. i am insanely inhumanly selfish to the extent that i would rather that no one ends up with anything and that if i have to take the fall, everyone else will take the fall, along with the burnt bridges that i would had personally set on fire. don't get me wrong, i am not asking for anything or anyone or any consolation or any pity. save it. because i rather be run down by the train than empathy over something that cannot be fathomed. how long would i keep this up? not too sure. it is perfecly safe in this realm of sanity. i think i will stay here for the moment.

chapter 35 : miss you love.

Millionaire say
Got a big shot deal
And thrown it all away but
But I'm not too sure
How I'm supposed to feel
Or what I'm supposed to say
But I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
And I miss you love

Make room for the prey
'Cause I'm coming in
With what I wanna say but
It's gonna hurt
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate but...

I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you love

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back

It's just a fad
Part of the teen, teenage angst brigade and
I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm suppose to love you back.

over thinking.

At some point in time you really wish you could be shot. Or rather the act of it sounds good enough. The whole sick cycle of what everyone is chasing after seems pretty clear to me, that no one will ever get what they want in the end. So I comfort myself with the thought that having nothing is good enough. But what is enough? What is ever enough? Maybe it is the same logic, that the act of saying “it is enough” sounds good enough.

Today I saw this child standing at the escalator which was going in the opposite direction, knowing that it is wrong she still stood there. And even when her mother reprimanded her over her actions she still stood there. Does she not speak for all of us? That it is in our nature to do the exact opposite of logic? We challenge the simple things in life, doing the exact opposite, doing what the mainstream think is taboo, doing what we already know is bad. I guess all of us inherited the same tendency from Eve who defied God in the Garden of Eden over the forbidden fruit. In the present day, we burn ourselves to know that it is hot. We drink till we get drunk and make an awful mess of ourselves knowing that our body cannot take it. We sleep with the person we love knowing that when the morning comes he/she would never stay, would never have a future with you, and would never be with you. We smoke knowing that it kills our insides. We get stuck in time and memory waiting for someone that will never know we still exist, that will never know we are still here waiting, that will never know we have not forgotten, that will never know we would do anything for just another season, that will never know we still want them back.

Childlike acts in an adult.
Aren’t we?
We never grow up.
We just grow old.

"And yes. For the record I have done it again.
If only I could tell you what I have been reading and that the only song playing on repeat is causing me to cry. But you would never know and you wouldn't even give a damn about it."

pas du tout.

Bang Bang.

Chapter 34 : Visceral

We are an amazing species.
We bleed to know we are alive and we live.
I believe that our physical body has a mind of its own, it knows when and how it will fall apart, and as it splits it sends a warning to tell you that you cannot endure any longer.

There will be a time where you slide into a depression to weep for your dying self. Somehow the physical body knows and senses the count down of your biological clock to death and it reacts, it weeps unknowingly for this impending arrival of death. I call it the “emotional physical self” reacting.

Why do I keep writing? This is the only way I can leave a part of me in time. It is the only way I can freeze time into these writings, it is the only way to remind others and myself that I was here in time.

I was here.
And I am not doing too good.

Chapter 33 : peculiar

I wanted to write and put together something that I can own… where only these words belong to me. It is an incomplete composition. But it is a start… after taking a long break.

Never known Never own

Since everyone is living with their past
Why can’t I stay there too?
It is safe it is where no one else can come in
The only place where you and I exist

In this looping space I created
I don’t have to worry if I am not good enough

This is my imaginary story
with no end because I control it
This is a script that lost its cast
with scenes made tangible through the heart

To play it back when it started
as one that falls away and parts
Those arms that held the very being
exist today
She is awake.

laconism

The weather tonight sure reflects my thoughts. It is calming to stand in the rain; it reminds me that I am still here. I would have walked all the way back home in the rain, but I recalled a vision; I was walking and the sky gave way to a beam of light, it was the most beautiful phenomenon I have ever seen. But it hit me, as I felt my legs gave way and I was falling. That interval, that moment, I felt I was home.

Try keeping quiet the whole day; it drives people around you crazy. This is what you do if you want to inflict frustration and pain to another fellow human; silence and distance best trick in the book. I have done it and the only hypothesis derived; my silence causes panic. Trust me I didn’t do it on purpose. Sometimes it just gets too loud in my head making it tricky to filter the voices within. I hate seclusion but I want to be alone. Does it make sense?

The truth is I hear voices; therefore my trusty pen and note pad are always near so that I can let these voices take the shape of words. Maybe only now can I provide an explanation to my eccentric writings and the way I compose my songs. Not that I take pleasure in the lack of understanding from what others feel in what I write. It sure makes me uneasy when I cannot be understood. It has been a long while since I wrote a song and I cannot let myself slip again, to use an old memory when the new is not potent enough to aid me in my next creation.

I've never known, and never owned you.

Chapter 32 : retrace

You didn't do anything, your memory did.

All I have are locked in these words. Those immortal nights....those magnificent nights that anyone would kill to take that place.

It was a dream that came true, but not through. Dreams only take the evanescent form of reality from the repressed mind. The beauty of it? When you wake it is gone.

Those arms that held the very being which exists today, those hands that emit warmth and propensity to the crying heart, those lips that monopolize the essence of life and core of the soul.

This is a script that lost its cast with scenes made tangible through the heart.

Where are you.

persona swings.

So we will grow older. And after all the disputes and little arguments, we learn. To learn what really matters to us, to understand what we really want, to start over and meet our new selves that have readily changed with the new season that somehow catches you unaware. To let go. Nothing remains, especially what we believed, so do not be dishearten. But the few that remains faithfully through every season is a significant. I forgive readily, but I will never forget damages. Not that I didn't let go, but damages are the scars that moulds my path that moulds who I am now. Time has neither been fast nor slow, it has just been constant but we live as though we are dying, and we die as though we had never lived. I'm 19 already. Impulsive me wants to make all the mistakes I can make as a (last) teen. Rational me just wants to do the right thing. I am torn between the two extremes of my persona. Random & Impulsive VS Rational & Calm. So I swing. A new friend along with a couple of old friends stepped into my life...it is a cycle people stepping in and out to make things a little more interesting here and there. I like that phrase Denise said to me the other day, "We are only used when we allow it." A lot of truth in that. I allow things to happen. Sometimes out of curiosity. Sometimes just to see what happens next. Sometimes I just want to get into a little advanture and spontaneous mode. Sometimes I want to ride a high. Or sometimes I just want to get hurt. I am still pretty much a kid despite my writings. That is why I am not all good as a person. I do get possessive and jealous but I will somehow put myself in check and take a walk because some times I do too, fear that I am not good enough. Hafizhah won an award today with this phrase to end my day: " but i like joyner the way she is be it, good or bad. =) "

Chapter 31 : Flights of fancy

The addiction is not in the drugs. It is in the act. Just like what I said last night. It is not the being but the memory. I was running on a high, and all that mattered was the chase, the predicament.

I could visit that point in time, and stay there, as it is the only place where you are near. Sing to me, once again, in your room...like old days.

So give me a memory and I will make you a song. This is the need that is killing me on the inside everyday. Is this a possession or a jealousy I seem to have that just cannot be shaken off? What have I become?

We will never stay the same, what we believed, what we are, everything... moves and alter along with time and decisions we make. So here's the truth of the truth, what I am is not all good, it is not all bad.

And I miss you the most.

Chapter 30 : catalyst

Staring at the pack in front of me. I know it is full than empty. I could start but there would be no end. Why do they tell you to stop when they had never listened to your cries? Irony of a human being. I am just holding out... I find myself repeating. But I know these actions would bring about a chain effect. Time has told me, my impulse does not do me any good. A cup of gin, and so I did. Just like that. Indeed the best gift. Happy birthday...

Where all wrongs are made right.
When loneliness is made perfect.
That is where I belong.

Chapter 29 : vacate

I walked in knowing what to expect. How often we do that. The same old routine taken for granted. I am afraid my words would fail me or I may summon cruel blasephemy if I do not hold back. Maybe if we were older, when pride has left us, we would see better. But... we are only human. Our fragility is our downfall isn't it? What ever that is left of me that you would like to take or destroy... just do it.

The silhouette by the corner now vacant along with time
To be what it was initially without a sound
How the distraction made real to what it is now
Where all that I am fond of is nothing of the being
but the parallel memory in itself.

so this is what you would like to read?

Alright. I shall stop chaptering and start writing something blog worthy to be read and understood. Happy?

Work has gradually became a war zone alongside sick entertainment of dog walking, doughnuts, gardens, smoke breaks and stuff like that.

Politics, our ever non stop hits of Jo Jo's jokes and songs, random situations by distressed passengers, horror tales of toilets & heads & knocks & dead people & where they put the corspe and coffins in our work place, stories of the "she", free manicure services... not forgetting everyone is getting an anal session with the great old mighty yoda located above us.

All hail tuesday. I hope I win the bet for the first open fire from yoda.

Yay.

By the way, emo is good. It's an expressive way to kick yourself around while making a scene that is worthy to be read. =)

Guess whose back.

Chapter 28 : riven

I don't have any volume like the glass cup. Compared to a sudden shattering of everything you endear, a slow cracking is much easier to handle.

My fragility wasn't your fault.

Chapter 27 : Black Tears

In this darkness
My feet would not go back
Was this the night I prayed for
This just cannot be
There are no chains around me
But if I want to go on like this
I will have to pay the price one day
When you cannot even believe in yourself
Who should you believe in
The answer is so close
That I cannot see it
Shedding black tears
There is nothing in me but sadness
And I cannot even say it
My whole body aches
And I cannot make it go away on my own.

Chapter 26 : terminal

I like my days in transit as I do not feel that I am here. Moving along with the people around me, becoming a direction. Destination, anywhere. I thought of the distances between countries, how similar it is to humans. It is essential so as to make every journey more meaningful and valuable. Every meeting a memory.

So it shattered.

Once again people will fail you. They say you forced it. They say let it be naturally. They say you are expecting too much. They say they have tried but you do not see.

They said.

I say. So it shall be done. I say I will walk away without force without expectation without seeing without forcing.

I said.

"No matter how long we exist, we have our memories - points in time which time itself cannot erase. Suffering may distort my backward glances, but even to suffering, some memories will yield nothing of their beauty or their splendor. Rather they remain as hard as gems."

Chapter 25 : consonance

"Whose pair of hands shall join me in the creation of my written masterpiece."

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chapter 24 : Live

I have not lived yet. How young and bold I ought to be, to sail through waves and storms, to fight the battles of everyday life! Bless the Lord for the gift of talents, so that we could put to test all that we are given. It's amazing to see all the weights stripped away and how the soul can take its flight in this realm. To love what you do not have and disclose what you already possess.

Recently I had been called home by His very voice, so vividly I heard it. O how my soul cannot fathom the day of the rapture, and only the worthy would be taken. Many would grieve and wonder why the tribulation of seven years. It is the point of no return, and I do not want to be left behind.

Believe in me when I say that we are all warriors. We do the impossible of the everyday life.

To live.

Chapter 23 : Tale

I woke...and I just laid there. Waiting. Wondering. How did I get here? How did we all get here. The shadows shifted, as I held myself and told myself to sleep. The noise of the world is blatant yet comforting to the equally deranged mind. Lately the simple joy of reading and immersing in words is satisfying and bliss. I live.

"But I lived the lie. I lived it out of anger. This is what I'm trying to tell you. I have lived lies. I have done it again and again. I live lies because I cannot endure the weakness of anger, and I cannot admit the irrationality of love." Marius

Indeed.

Chapter 22 : dear fate

This is not a chapter.
This is goodbye.

To a past that I've been sorely living on. You were every word.. everything.. I write. And I know at the very core of my being, I can proudly say this, I could love you forever at this distance. Yes, to all those who prophesied or said it all so many times, the greatest love is one that lets go so the other would be happy, even if it means that significant is in the arms of another or even if they forgot. This is indeed the greatest love. To learn that my very being is capable of something like this shows a great deal of my ability.

They say time heals everything but I'm still waiting.

She said you are happier now. I imagine you walking down that path with her hand in yours, your beautiful smile gleaming... full of hope and love. To know that you shed that slight shimmer of guilt in your eyes.. it is enough.

I wrote you a song today; I pray it is my last song for you. Though you will never hear it.

I have never known and I have never owned you.

____________________________________________________________________

Beautiful Red

He wanted to leave this world
Did you know
He sat outside his window
It scared me so
Having to lose another friend
Someone I've yet to confess
I saw his soul
It was beautiful to me

Beautiful Red
You flutter
Going in circles
In your colour

Oh Beautiful Red
You got me blinded
Frozen in your wander

She wanted to fall asleep
It was a blunder
That she went over
It scared her so
Having no answers till today
Of the colour
That was beautiful

In your colour
Going in circles
You flutter
Beautiful Red

Chapter 21: Bypass

Conscious, you are fine.
It is the only affair I regard
I must had been a lurking advocate of your shadow all these years
If only you knew how much I have loved that shade of black
So then tell me, did I have wings in your eyes?
Yes, too soon it will be your moment to rise above the waiting world you so belonged.
Soar and remember me.

Chapter 20 : Begin the Begin

Can I say something that would make you stay?
Just a little longer right here at this space, where you would come back to visit?

I am sorry.

I slipped... and I fell.
The free fall through that spiral was excruciating yet beautiful. Don’t you fear the light sometimes? I do. In between those dreams and reality, I didn’t want to wake. I felt safe in that limbo.

I see shadows… and the truth is… they are beautiful. Maybe one day, I’ll write the stories of these shadows so that you could see what I saw.

But...right now... please believe in me, and watch me stand up on my own two feet. I will get better. I will be better. I will do better. So wait. Wait for me.

I am running out of time and all that I have are these words. But these words shed so little light into my world.

Would anyone have stepped in?

Chapter 19: Incubus

What if I told you I have lost everything
And the person that stands infront of you
bares nothing within that is not crumbling
So you shake her to wake
but all it does is hasten the speed of nothingness

What has the chase done
to built a cause or to create a fight; and was is it even mine to begin
So you uncover your nakedness to arrive
at the core of your absolute cipher
to bring forth the frolic fronts of their regards
and evoke an incubus of reminiscence.

Chapter 18: Beautiful Red

Beautiful red under those yellow lights
that is where you belong to take that flight
You tilt at the angle of that moment
where memory would take you away

Beautiful red thought it was over then
the travel was enough to speak of a picture
where frames had ran away

Each clicks reveal the truth behind the colour
that will never be owned.

Chapter 17 : In between

So the distance of the front to the back
With the crowd in between
And the noise overhead
Even if eyes had met
Would never be enough

To cut the locks and fill the vows
With gentle hands
It falls to the ground
The final reflection to take
Just the way you imagined it.

Chapter 16 : Black Book

To a past, if it's still read.

I went back to the folders containing the last thresholds

Walked passed the frame that's still here
It wasn't that long nor was it that short

Was I the cause of that downfall

With much time passed

I'm still very much the tragedy of myself

Be well.

Chapter 15 : Leavers

You know how you wake
Into someone else
To take the place of that individual and strip the past
To walk out of all the mess and breathe a life of another
So finish the begin and start over
Give yourself away to the keepers but destroy not your heart and body to the leavers
It is time. Stand strong.

Chapter 14: Rides

In the car, gone were the lights. Silently in his whirl of thoughts, he counted the passing street lamps as if each were burning courage for him.

He knew. It was time.

Gradually, he reaches his hand over to let it gently fall on hers and in a swift move, their hands met. All coldness was overwhelmed by the abundant warmth she so lacked.

She looks up at him and without a word, their silent pack was made.

A connection, a union..with the surrounding commotion fading into oblivion...after all those rides..